Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 153 December 19 1917 by Various

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 153

DECEMBER 19, 1917

CHARIVARIA.

GENERAL ALLENBY having announced that all the holy places in Jerusalem will be protected, the KAISER is about to issue a manifesto to his Turkish subjects, pointing out that so much time has elapsed since he was there in 1898 that the place can no longer be considered as holy as it was.

It is now stated that the leader of the Sinn Feiners is an American citizen. It is hardly likely, however, in view of the friendly relations prevailing between ourselves and the United States, that the point will be pressed.

Another lengthy pamphlet on the subject of cheese has been issued by the FOOD-CONTROLLER. The Department now claims that there is no excuse for even the simplest grocer failing to recognise a cheese when he sees it.

A painful story comes from the North of England. It appears that a man left his home saying that he would obtain a pound of Devonshire butter or die. He was only thirty-four years of age.

A leaflet containing President WILSON'S recent speech to Congress has been passed by the CENSOR, who, however, does not wish it to be understood that he could not have improved on it if he had cared to.

A grave state of affairs is reported by a New York paper. It appears that America will shortly ask Mexico to make revolutions a criminal offence. They'll be stopping baseball next.

A question put by Mr. FIELD in the House of Commons suggested that M.P.s should travel on railways free of charge. The chief objection seems to be that they would be sure to want return tickets.

A domestic servant points out in a contemporary that she has worked from seven in the morning until ten o'clock at night for six months without a break. Another domestic who holds the smash-as-smash-can record wonders where this poor girl learnt her business.

Discussing the London taxi strike a contemporary remarks that both sides ought to meet. Failing that, we think that at least one side might meet.

There appears to be an epidemic of trouble in the animal world. An elephant at the Zoo has just died, while only a few days ago a travelling crane collapsed at Glasgow.

Burglars who looted an Oxford Street shop last week obtained admission by making a hole through a brick wall. It is supposed the shop door was closed.

The Government having reaffirmed their statement that they have "no further fear of submarines," it is felt to be high time that someone in authority should break it to the U-boats that they might as well give it up and go home.

We understand that it has not yet been decided in Berlin what the Sultan of TURKEY thinks of the capture of Jerusalem.

Four letters of QUEEN ELIZABETH have just been sold by auction. Strangely enough, nothing is said in them about her having no quarrel with the Spanish people, but only with their Monarch.

From a review of Lord LISTER'S "Life":--

But it was not in reference to this incident that HENLEY wrote, "My head is bloody but unbowed."

Of course not; we have always noticed that the bigger the fool the more he eats.

But a Canadian friend tells us there are others "a dam sight nicer."

We do not mind saying that we are frankly afraid of a bomb that weighs about six miles.

GILBERT'S burglar up-to-date: "He loves to hear the Temperance Club a-gurgling."

For our part we thought "Lord Bathsheba" rather funny too.

AN HISTORICAL CURIOSITY.

OUR PACIFISTS.

Far as my humble daily round extends, There's none but longs to see us lay the foe low; I cannot trace upon my list of friends A solitary instance of a Bolo; So that I've sometimes nursed a doubt Whether there are such lots of them about.

Only the worst are out for German pay; Some claim ideals on the loftiest level; Peace is their lay-- Peace and the Brotherhood of man and devil; They love all sorts beneath the sun-- Even an Englishman; but best a Hun.

They save the choicest of their tears to shed For those who break all laws divine and human; They'd bid the dead past cover up its dead, Forgetful of our murdered, child and woman; Forgetful of our drowned who sleep Without a grave beneath the wandering deep.

I know not how or when this War will close, But this I know: unless my brain goes rotten, Never will I clasp hand with hand of those, False to their blood, who'd have these things forgotten, Who want a peace untimely made Before the uttermost account is paid.

Thirty years on, when weak with age, I might Possibly talk to some repentant Teuton; But, while I still can tell a knave at sight And have enough of strength to keep a boot on, Only in one way will I get In touch with samples of the Bolo Set.

O.S.

THE CADET'S FRIEND.

MISUNDERSTOOD.--You were in the wrong. The custom of throwing chicken-bones over the right shoulder is practised only in the mess of the 13th Bavarian Landsturm Regiment. Still, considering that you had only joined that day, we think your colonel acted hastily.

AS YOU WERE .--The executive order for the new combined movement of "About turn and left incline" is given when the joint of the left big toe is opposite the right instep .

SUBALTERN.--Your company commander is without authority for reproving you for shaving off your moustache. All the same, judging by the photograph you enclose, we think you would be wise to keep as much of your face covered as possible.

FIELD-MARSHAL'S BATON.--No, you are mistaken in supposing that a private soldier under close arrest may spend two hours daily in the regimental canteen. The only stimulant allowed him is one glass of port daily with the orderly officer when the latter inspects the guardroom.

SUFFERER.-- No, White Star gas is never employed by army dentists. No, you need not take your respirator with you. You hire the anaesthetist's at a small charge.

OBSERVER.--German minnenwerfer are not dangerous if their flight is carefully watched, as they swerve to the left, and their landing-place can thus be fairly accurately judged. Two varieties, however--the windupwerfer and the hoppitwerfer--swerve to the right. The googliwerfer swerves both ways.

SOCIABLE.--The correct method of dealing with snipers in a house is to ring the front-door bell with the thumb and forefinger of the right hand, at the same time smartly inserting a charge of cordite into the letter-box with the left. Indents for postmen's uniforms for this purpose should be rendered to D.A.D.O.S. in triplicate.

STATISTICIAN.--The world's record is held by the adjutant of the pioneer battalion of the 371st Silesian Foot Regiment. There is unimpeachable evidence to prove that he was heard drinking gravy soup from a distance of 477 metres. The night was calm.

IF THE PAPER SHORTAGE INCREASES.

FICTION FAMINE IN THE PROVINCES.

From many districts come reports of great difficulty in obtaining novels. Yesterday in a well-known Midland town the unusual sight was observed of long queues outside the chief booksellers'. Several libraries displayed notices bearing the words, "No GARVICE to-day"; and quite early in the afternoon best quality BENSONS were practically unobtainable, even by regular customers.

FIRST CONDITIONAL SALE PROSECUTION.

VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

In view of the serious shortage in reliable fiction, nothing less than a sensation is likely to result from the reported discovery of an entirely satisfactory BARCLAY substitute in tabloid form. Should the tidings prove well authenticated, the patrons of circulating libraries will have good reason for satisfaction. The new preparation is said to be even sweeter than the original article, and equally sustaining.

FICTION CARDS COMING.

On inquiry at the Albert Hall , our representative was emphatically assured that, should the system of voluntary romance-rationing prove unsatisfactory, some form of compulsion will become inevitable. It was pointed out that the indicated maximum of one novel or magazine per head weekly is amply sufficient for all reasonable requirements. The attention of the public is further called to the need of making the fullest and most economical use of the allowance, and not wasting the advertisement pages, which contain much readable and stimulating matter, the patent medicine paragraphs especially being rich in the finest imaginative fiction.

"CHOCKCHAW;"

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