Read Ebook: Further Foolishness by Leacock Stephen

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Ebook has 1349 lines and 50487 words, and 27 pages

FOLLIES IN FICTION

MOVIES AND MOTORS, MEN AND WOMEN

PEACE, WAR, AND POLITICS

TIMID THOUGHTS ON TIMELY TOPICS

Follies in Fiction

Among the latest follies in fiction is the perpetual demand for stories shorter and shorter still. The only thing to do is to meet this demand at the source and check it. Any of the stories below, if left to soak overnight in a barrel of rainwater, will swell to the dimensions of a dollar-fifty novel.

AN IRREDUCIBLE DETECTIVE STORY

HANGED BY A HAIR OR A MURDER MYSTERY MINIMISED

The mystery had now reached its climax. First, the man had been undoubtedly murdered. Secondly, it was absolutely certain that no conceivable person had done it.

It was therefore time to call in the great detective.

He gave one searching glance at the corpse. In a moment he whipped out a microscope.

"Ha! ha!" he said, as he picked a hair off the lapel of the dead man's coat. "The mystery is now solved."

He held up the hair.

"Listen," he said, "we have only to find the man who lost this hair and the criminal is in our hands."

The inexorable chain of logic was complete.

The detective set himself to the search.

For four days and nights he moved, unobserved, through the streets of New York scanning closely every face he passed, looking for a man who had lost a hair.

The detective followed him on board.

"Arrest him!" he said, and then drawing himself to his full height, he brandished aloft the hair.

"This is his," said the great detective. "It proves his guilt."

"Remove his hat," said the ship's captain sternly.

They did so.

The man was entirely bald.

"Ha!" said the great detective without a moment of hesitation. "He has committed not one murder but about a million."

A COMPRESSED OLD ENGLISH NOVEL

SWEARWORD THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE

"Ods bodikins!" exclaimed Swearword the Saxon, wiping his mailed brow with his iron hand, "a fair morn withal! Methinks twert lithlier to rest me in yon glade than to foray me forth in yon fray! Twert it not?"

But there happened to be a real Anglo-Saxon standing by.

"Where in heaven's name," he said in sudden passion, "did you get that line of English?"

"Churl!" said Swearword, "it is Anglo-Saxon."

"You're a liar!" shouted the Saxon, "it is not. It is Harvard College, Sophomore Year, Option No. 6."

Swearword, now in like fury, threw aside his hauberk, his baldrick, and his needlework on the grass.

"Lay on!" said Swearword.

"Have at you!" cried the Saxon.

They laid on and had at one another.

Swearword was killed.

Thus luckily the whole story was cut off on the first page and ended.

A CONDENSED INTERMINABLE NOVEL

FROM THE CRADLE TO THE GRAVE OR A THOUSAND PAGES FOR A DOLLAR

NOTE.-This story originally contained two hundred and fifty thousand words. But by a marvellous feat of condensation it is reduced, without the slightest loss, to a hundred and six words.

Edward Endless lived during his youth in Maine, in New Hampshire, in Vermont, in Massachusetts, in Rhode Island, in Connecticut.

Then the lure of the city lured him. His fate took him to New York, to Chicago, and to Philadelphia.

In Chicago he lived, in a boarding-house on Lasalle Avenue, then he boarded-- in a living-house on Michigan Avenue.

In New York he had a room in an eating-house on Forty-first Street, and then-- ate in a rooming-house on Forty-second Street.

In Philadelphia he used to sleep on Chestnut Street, and then-- slept on Maple Street.

During all this time women were calling to him. He knew and came to be friends with-- Margaret Jones, Elizabeth Smith, Arabella Thompson, Jane Williams, Maud Taylor.

And he also got to know pretty well, Louise Quelquechose, Antoinette Alphabetic, Estelle Etcetera.

And during this same time Art began to call him-- Pictures began to appeal to him. Statues beckoned to him. Music maddened him, and any form of Recitation or Elocution drove him beside himself.

Then, one day, he married Margaret Jones. As soon as he had married her He was disillusioned. He now hated her.

Then he lived with Elizabeth Smith-- He had no sooner sat down with her than-- He hated her.

Half mad, he took his things over to Arabella Thompson's flat to live with her.

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