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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 153

NOVEMBER 21, 1917

CHARIVARIA.

More than a million pounds of concealed sugar have been discovered in New York. It is suspected that this was intended as the nucleus of a hoard.

A contemporary recently stated that LENIN claims to stand for the leadership of Russia. But surely they do not stand for leadership in Russia. They rush for it with revolvers.

"This is a time for action, not for talk," said Colonel HOUSE on his arrival in England. A stinging rejoinder is expected from the FOOD-CONTROLLER'S Department.

It is rumoured that the restaurant keepers have agreed among themselves that to avoid confusion the price of all beefsteaks shall be stamped clearly on the sole.

The Meat Order will probably be amended to make meat-stalls rank as shops. At present of course they suffer under the stigma of being merely places where you can purchase meat.

We understand that, in order to avoid confusion and undue alarm, German prisoners in this country will in future be expected to give twelve hours' notice of their intention to escape.

Sugar is to be omitted from a number of medical preparations from December 1st, and children are complaining that the decision has quite spoilt their Christmas prospects.

Counsel, in a prosecution for selling a tobacco substitute, has stated that there is nothing in the Act to prevent a man from smoking what he likes. In the trade this is generally regarded as a nasty underhand jab at the British cigar industry.

Lord RHONDDA, in announcing his new rationing scheme, differentiates between brain workers and manual workers. It will be interesting to see to which category certain Government officials will be assigned.

"The bamboo," according to a weekly paper, "holds the record among plants for rapid growth, having been known to grow two feet in twelve hours." The silence of allotment holders on this subject is significant.

Mr. SYDNEY G. GAMBLE, second in command of the London Fire Brigade, is about to retire. There is some talk of arranging a farewell fire.

We understand, by the way, that retirement from the London Fire Brigade always carries with it the privilege of wearing the uniform at one's own fires.

A theatrical paper advertises for a "Male impersonator" for pantomime. No conscientious objector need apply.

A Cranford dairyman has been selling milk at threepence per quart. In trade circles it is supposed that he is doing it for a wager.

After December 17th, parcels for neutral countries may not be sent without a permit. Cement and other articles intended for enemy consumption can only be forwarded by special arrangement with the Ministry of Blockade.

The LORD MAYOR'S Coachman has retired after twenty-eight years' service. He was a splendid fellow, taking him all round.

An official memo from the Front:--

It is supposed that these intelligent animals had been reading a recent article by "Patlander."

"Numtity" is doubtless a dodge of the CENSOR to prevent us knowing too much. We suspect that "quanber" was what the writer really wanted to say.

It rather looks as if the two were not genuine oleographs but only colourable imitations.

Very Irish eggs.

"A ridiculous price," says the advertiser, but "an absurd figure" would have been even better.

We trust he showed, and obtained, full marks.

TO ATTILA'S UNDERSTUDY.

The choice was yours, we understood. We thought that, when you wished to cater For China's spiritual good, This name received your imprimatur; "Go forth," you said, "my sons! Go and behave exactly like the Huns!"

Though under any other name, However alien to their nature, Your people would have smelt the same, We let you choose their nomenclature, And studiously respected The one that in your wisdom you selected.

And now, when someone, clearly set On flattering you by imitation, Applies that chosen epithet To certain units of your nation, It seems a little odd That you should go and clap him into quod.

Perhaps you've come to hold the view That when you claimed to touch their level You were unfair to heathens who Candidly called their god a devil; Who fought some barbarous fights, But fought at least according to their lights.

So Huns are off. Who takes their place? Well, since no beast on earth would stick it If after him we named your race, We'll call you Germans--there's your ticket; Just Germans--that's a style Which can't offend the other vermin's bile.

O. S.

NIGHTMARES.

Time: 6.0 A.M. Course: E. Distance run: 1-1/2 m. Wind: S.W. Force: 6. State of land: 5 . Weather: R. Therm.: 35?. Bar.: 28?89. Remarks: Objectives attained. Observation hampered by weather.

BIG GAME SHOOTING.

We hope Mr. ROOSEVELT will not be jealous.

Extracts from a recent novel:--

"He stepped out at Fernhurst Station, and walked up past the Grey Abbey that watched as a sentinel over the dreamy Derbyshire town.... So it was the system that was at fault, not Fernhurst. Fairly contentedly he went back by the 3.30 from Waterloo."

The train system which sent him to the Midlands by the South-Western was doubtless deranged by military exigencies.

Why, indeed?

HOW TO BECOME A TOWN-MAJOR.

Through large and luminous glasses Second-Lieut. St. John regards this War and its problems. He is a man of infinite jobs. There are few villages in France of which he has not been Town Major. Between times he has been Intelligence Officer, Divisional Burial Officer, Divisional Disbursing Officer, Salvage Officer, Claims, Baths, Soda-water and Canteens Officer.

He was once appointed Town-Major of some brick-dust, a rafter and two empty bully-beef tins--all of which in combination bore the name of a village. He assumed his duties with a bland Pickwickian zest, which did good to the heart. He had boards painted.

said one aggressively, and

said another. A third read,

though there was nothing there to incinerate and no incinerator. "HORSES," shouted another didactically, "MUST NOT TROT THROUGH THE MAIN STREET." That there was no street there at all did not detract from the splendour of his notices, on which he spent much paint and happiness.

With the slightest encouragement he would have placarded that arid wilderness with "NO SMOKING IN THE LIFTS," and "BEWARE OF PICKPOCKETS," but he had small encouragement, and so he contented himself with a final placard which warned the troops against riding through standing crops and occupying the houses of civilians without permission from the Town-Major.

Still, no one becomes a Town-Major without some sort of claim to the post.

Second-Lieut. St. John's first appearance in Armageddon took place during "peace-time warfare." An unpleasant and quite unnecessary little bulge in the trench-line, known as the Toadstool, was manned by the platoon of which he found himself second-in-command. It is rumoured that a Hun patrol, crawling to the edge of our parapet, saw in the ghastly glare of a Verey light the benign and spectacled countenance of Second-Lieut. St. John staring amiably across No Man's Land, and came to the hasty conclusion that they had made a mistake as to direction, since here was obviously one of their own officers of the Herr Professor type. Rumour adds that they retired to their own lines and were promptly shot for cowardice.

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