Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 103 July 9 1892 by Various

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOL. 103

JULY 9, 1892

SIMPLE AS A "B" "C."

DEAR EX-CHANCELLOR WITH A PAST,--I am sorry to have to address you, especially as to you I owe my promotion. But matters are coming to a crisis, and the Fatherland is suffering from your indiscretions. You are making a great mistake--you are, indeed.

Now, I ask you, what would you do under the following circumstances? Supposing you were in my position, what would you do if your predecessor held you up to ridicule, spoilt all your favourite diplomatic plans, insulted your employer, and made himself generally disagreeable all round? You must know, my good Prince, that you are sowing dissension in every direction. You are embroiling us with Russia, and running the chance of a war with France. Moreover, you are breaking the very laws you made for the solitary purpose of meeting the case you have raised yourself! So now, with every kindly recollection of the past, tell me why I don't arrest you, why I don't put you into prison, why I don't break your power once and for ever?

DEAR CHANCELLOR WITHOUT A FUTURE,--I will answer you why you do not arrest me? The simple reason is that you, my dear friend, are not BISMARCK.

A CORRESPONDENT signing himself "ONE WHO LIVES AND LEARNS," wishes to know what is the meaning of the expression, "The Minute Gun at Sea?" We will tell him. "A Minute Gun" is, of course, a very small one. When it goes wrong, it is "at sea." No extra charge for this gun.

MEM.--You can't expect much from the Speakers at a Convention, where the Speeches must be Conventional.

"HARPY THOUGHT!"--Mr. JOHN THOMAS's Grand Harp Concert.

A WILDE IDEA.

OR, MORE INJUSTICE TO IRELAND!

"In spite of great temptation To French na-tu-ra-li-sa-tion, He'll remain an Irishman!"

MY PUGGY!

Who bears, despite a wrinkled skin, A heart that's soft and warm within, And hates a visitor like sin?-- My puggy!

Who has a little temper of His own, and sports a winter cough, And thinks himself a mighty toff?-- My puggy!

Whose voice, disturbing midnight rest, Do wily house-breakers detest, And move to some less guarded nest?-- My puggy's!

Who does not, like a stupid cat, 'Gainst burglars' boots rub himself flat,-- Soliciting a felon's pat?-- My puggy!

And when the burglar's body's half Inside the sash, with doggish laugh, Who masticates his nearest calf?-- My puggy!

Who owns a phiz , That's called by stupid boys an ug- ly sulky unattractive "mug?"-- My puggy!

Our old friend, Mrs. RAMSBOTHAM, has been sightseeing in the country. Being asked whether she had seen the Midgetts, she said, "Don't mention 'em, my dear! I've seen 'em, and felt 'em--thousands of 'em--they very nearly closed my eyes up."

I'm Ever-Green myself, ye know, so take me by the hand, And tell me how Ould Oireland is, and how our chances stand. 'Tis the most disthressful country, dear, that ever yet was seen; But I'm sworn to right ye, darlint, now I'm Wearing of the Green!

When the law can stop your friends, my dear, from growing as they grow, When the Tories stop my "flowing tide" from flowing as 'twill flow, Then I will change the colour, dear, that in my specs is seen, But until that day, please Heaven, I'll stick to Wearing of the Green.

THE LAST TRAIN.

It will fade from mortal vision, So the fashion-plates ordain; Worthy subject of derision, Not the mail, but female, train!

It has goaded men to mutter Words unhappily profane, Trailed in ball-room or in gutter, Whether cheap or first-class train.

Far and wide, on floor and paving, Spread the dress to catch the swain; Sometimes long--in distance waving; Sometimes wide--a "broad-gauge train."

It has dragged a long existence Through the dust, the mud, the rain, Great is feminine persistence, She would never lose the train.

Booby-traps were beaten hollow, Hapless man stepped back in vain, Knowing what a trip would follow If he only caught the train!

Oh, the anguish that it gave us, Quite unnecessary pain! WORTH, not WESTINGHOUSE, will save us, And at last will stop the train!

MRS. R., hearing her Nephew say that he had been discussing some "Two-year-old Stakes" with a friend, observed that she was afraid they must have been dreadfully tough, adding, after consideration, "Perhaps they were frozen meat."

THE CANDIDATE'S COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.

Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to secure for your interesting son a Clerkship in the Foreign Office. The fact that he has a distaste for the profession to which you belong would be no disqualification. I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better than diplomacy. However, if he won't help you it can't be helped. I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you,

Yours sincerely, SOPHT SAWDER.

MY DEAR MADAM,

Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance. As you say, Her Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they are not equal to her dinners. I shall be only too pleased if I can bring about a meeting with the Duchess.

I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you.

Yours sincerely, SOPHT SAWDER.

Of course I shall be only too delighted to help you in any way in my power. You may always command me--only too pleased, only too overjoyed. But the fact is, I am just now exceptionally busy. Please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you.

Yours sincerely, SOPHT SAWDER.

PRICKLE-ME-UPS.

Yours truly, LOVER OF ECONOMY.

SIR,--I saw that letter about eating Nettles. Of course it's all rot , but I thought it would be fun to try the nettle diet on my Uncle JAMES, who never gives me a tip when I go to visit him, although my Mother says he's as rich as Creesers, though I don't know who they are. So I got one or two good stinging ones and cut off little bits and put them in Uncle JAMES's sandwiches, which he always has for lunch. It was awful larks to watch him eat them. I thought he'd have a fit. Then I said good-bye, and I haven't been near him since. But I got Cook to take him in a dock-leaf from me, and I hope he ate it after the sandwiches. I thought it might do him good. I'm going to try nettle sandwiches on a boy I know at school, who's a beast. I expect it will give him nettle-rash. No more now from

Yours respectfully, TOMMY.

Yours professionally, SOLUBLE SALT, F.R.C.P.

AT THE WILD WEST.

There were loud cries for TOBY, M.P., but the Hon. Member begged to be excused from making a speech on this occasion. For one reason he shrank from coming into competition in the lists of platform-speaking with his revered friend and Leader. Another thing was, he was really so overcome by the honour just done him, that he could not trust himself to speak. He would write--as soon as the new Parliament met.

After the customary votes of thanks had been carried by acclamation, the new Member was hoisted shoulder-high by the enthusiastic mob, and carried off to his country residence, The Kennel, Barks, where he will remain during the Recess.

VOTES AND THE MAN!

FROM TAPLOW.

"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."

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