Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 103 July 9 1892 by Various

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"CLOSED FOR ALTERATIONS AND REPAIRS."

Closed! The long wild whillaloo That oft smacked of "Killaloe," The contagious wrath of Buskin and of Sock Hath abated for awhile, And no more the Emerald Isle On the stage and in the green-room seems to shock. The curtain is rung down, The comedian and the clown, With the sombre putter-on of tragic airs, Are gone, with all the cast, And the Theatre, at last, Is "Closed for Alterations and Repairs."

They may cheer for GLADSTONE hearty, For BALFOUR or MCCARTHY, This, that, or t'other party, As it pleases them to do. They may howl like Maenads crazy, For policies dark and hazy; New stars ere long The stage may throng, To play in pieces new.

The managerial soul Though relieved, upon the whole, From the six years' run, and all its stir and strain; Feels anxiety, no doubt, As to "stars" which may go out, And others that may probably remain. He has run a popular play, Which the Treasury says will pay, Despite of gallery hisses, groundling blares; But there's care upon his face, 'Tis a most expensive place, And 'tis "Closed for Alterations and Repairs."

They may cheer, &c.

They may cheer, &c.

"They may cheer the Old Man hearty, Brave BALFOUR, mild MCCARTHY, This, that, or t'other party, As it pleases 'em to do. Their noise half drives me crazy, The future's rather hazy, But interest strong, I trust, ere long, Will crowd my House anew!"

OH, SAUNDERSON, MY COLONEL!

Oh, SAUNDERSON, my Colonel, You're stout and eloquent, But boding; as the raven. Knock ninety-nine per cent. From your Cassandra prophecies, As bogeyish as eternal, And you'll be nearer to the truth, Brave SAUNDERSON, my Colonel!

ELECTION NOTES.

The excitement is getting terrific. In the principal streets party flags are waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden beneath vast posters, setting forth the merits of the rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers held a private meeting last night. I was, however, enabled to be present having disguised myself as Mr. BLACKFORD, one of the Vice-Presidents of the Association, who was taken ill at the last moment, and whose letter of excuse for non-attendance I managed to intercept. The proceedings opened with prayer, on the model of the recent Ulster Convention. After this, the discussion began. A series of questions had, it appears, been addressed to both Candidates. Here they are:--

Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign jam-stuffs?

Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London Cooperative Stores to sell only Jam manufactured by the Bunkham Jam-Dealers' Association?

Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising generation of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham Jam? And will you therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room cupboards?

Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries?

Will you advocate a tax of twopence per pot on all jam not manufactured in the Bunkham district?

Both Candidates had sent written replies. But it was generally felt that on the answers to the fourth question, the vote of the meeting would depend. Bunkham is a district in which raspberries and gooseberries are almost exclusively grown. Now it is well-known that Mr. PLEDGER, the Liberal Candidate, has an almost passionate affection for strawberry-jam, and much interest was shown as to whether he would be true to his favourite food, or renounce it in order to capture votes. I am glad to say that the honourable gentleman refused to palter with his convictions. In a manly and straightforward answer, he declined to be a party to "a system of espionage which had invaded the breakfast table, and might go far to make even luncheon intolerable."

"From my youth up," he continued, "I have never wavered in the conviction, that of all known preserves, strawberry-jam is both the best, and the most sustaining. I should disgrace myself if I were now, at the eleventh hour, to declare a preference which I do not honestly feel for gooseberry or raspberry."

TAKEN FROM TUFFAN'S TABLE!

VOTE FOR PLEDGER, AND HONEST CONVICTIONS!

And the device is now being carried all over the Town by the Junior Liberal Association.

The polling takes place to-morrow. Both sides are confident, but, on the whole, after reviewing all the circumstances of the case as impartially as possible, taking into account everything that tells for or against both parties, and not forgetting the effect produced by the public secession of Mr. HONEYDEW, the tobacconist, and Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe in the victory of Mr. PLEDGER; that is to say, unless Mr. TUFFAN should manage to secure a sufficient number of votes to defeat his opponent.

Yours &c., THE MAN IN THE MOON.

MR. PUNCH'S ELECTION ADDRESS.

OTHERWISE ENGAGED!

And so they sat in the boat and looked into one another's eyes, and found much to read in them. They ignored the presence of the houseboats, and scarcely remembered that there were such things as launches propelled by steam or electricity. And they turned deaf ears to the niggers, and did not want their fortunes told by dirty females of a gipsy type.

"This is very pleasant," said EDWIN.

"Isn't it?" replied ANGELINA; "and it's such a good place for seeing all the events."

"Admirable!" and they talked of other things; and the time sped on, and the dark shadows grew, and still they talked, and talked, and talked.

At length the lanterns on the river began to glow, and Henley put on its best appearance, and broke out violently into fireworks, it was then Mrs. GRUNDY spied them out. She had been on the look out for scandal all day long, but could find none. This seemed a pleasant and promising case.

"So you are here?" she exclaimed. "Why, we thought you must have gone long ago! And what do you say of the meeting?"

"A most perfect success," said he.

"And the company?"

"Could not be more charming," was her reply.

"And what did you think of the racing?" Then they looked at one another and smiled. They spoke together, and observed:--

"Oh, we did not think of the racing!"

And Mrs. GRUNDY was not altogether satisfied.

MEM. BY "ONE WHO MARRIED IN HASTE."--"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."

LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

HullLo-there! HullLo-there! He's the man for us;

We respect him! We'll elect him! And we might do wuss!!

In fact, our Candidate is very popular, and is sure to "romp in an easy winner"--which is another puzzling racing expression, as, although I've seen plenty of horses indulge in a game of romps before the start , they seem to have had more than enough of it before the finish!

Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.

ALINGTON PLATE SELECTION.

A SLIGHT MUDDLE.--"I hear," said Mrs. R., "that the Cassocks are performing at the Buffalo Bill place--though not knowing the gentleman personally, I would prefer calling him BUFFALO WILLIAM or WILLIAM BUFFELLOW, which would be a less outlandish name--and I confess I was astonished, as I always thought that Cassocks were Clergymen, or had something to do with the Clergy. I suppose I had connected them with Hassocks, which are always in Church, and were, I believe, invented by Mr. HASSOCK, or Squire HASSOCK, who made all his money by keeping a gate on the old Brighton Coach Road. The station is still called Hassock's Gate, in his memory. HER MAJESTY had all the Cassocks sent down to her at Windsor. They must have been quite worn out by the end of the day."

OPERATIC NOTES.

"Please, Sir, Madame MELBA isn't here!"

It was reported in the House--the Opera House--that Sir DRURIOLANUS was standing; but for what Constituency, was not mentioned. The rumour was justified by his appearing at the Stall entrance, where he stood for some time, but as he finely observed, "I am not in search of a seat--in Parliament. No! Let who will make the people's laws, give me the bringing out for them of their Operas and Pantomimes." So saying, he bowed gracefully to nobody in particular , and, with a refreshing wave of the hand, Sir DRURIOLANUS was wafted away into the offing, and "lost to sight," while still "to memory dear."

"Trust her not, she's fooling thee, Beware! Beware!" and Planchette, the little plank, will make more of her followers "plank down" than pick up gold and silver.

'Twas all very well to dissemble your love, But why chuck the nut in my eye?

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