Read Ebook: 'A Comedy of Errors' in Seven Acts by Spokeshave

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Ebook has 181 lines and 42476 words, and 4 pages

FRANCOS: Alas, there is one remedy in view We all must strong denial ever make. Oh, that one of the scum so strong entrenched Had by his conduct rendered me a chance! I would his vileness on the nonce have voiced, But now 'twere best to cloud this matter well.

SIR HIGGS: Methinks this scuttling goes too far by half In ousting tried officials from their posts. 'Twere wise to zeal politic well repay, But still, efficiency should ever bring Reward. And this, indeed, involves us all, For dire distempers in the tropics breed: Hence it were best to kindly caution woo.

FRANCOS: Sir Higgs, indeed thou ever reasonst well. Sore ills encompass us on every side And now do pests my happy home invade, Bearing dire fevers on their pigmy wings, Alas, the song they sing rejoiceth that Efficient doctors, who did battle wage Against them, are removed and in their place Incompetents installed. Indeed, their stings Convincing plea do ever make that we Should quick return to paths trodden before And wage crusade against the swarming pests Until their songs are legends of the past.

FRANCOS, SIR HIGGS and HENMART Oh Rats! Rats!! Rats!!!

A COUNCIL OF WAR

Dramatis Personae

FRANCOS: Ah! woe is me, my gentle councillors. Again has treason shown its slimy head; And from its source, I fear me, it doth bode But ill to us, who God's anointed are. If pedagogues may raise disdainful voice And gross abuse on the elect bestow Can safety from vituperation vile From out this rotten mob be e'er assured?

SIR HENMART: Good Francos, as this matter emanates From out the sphere of my prerogative, I feel a special sorrow doth becloud The sunny pathway which I late have trod. I find it difficult to blaze my way; The competent among my teaching corps Are those who dare opinions firm to form; If loyalty alone shall be test, 'Twill leave us but a small unthinking host, And then efficiency will find its grave Within the tomb of our official rage.

SIR WINDBAG: But Caesar grieveth that his mighty star, Which in the human firmament doth shine So brightly that it lighteth up the world, Should be bespattered by this inky mud.

COL. TOADY: Ah, it were sacrilege to thus befoul The mighty soul whose penetration deep Hath by selection brought this galaxy Of excellence to lead this groping state In paths which lead to freedom and to pow'r.

SIR HIGGS: Alas, 'twas ever thus. I, in the past, Have suffered from the pricks of nagging quills, And all who mount aloft on fortune's wing Must bear with ripe philosophy such ills.

SIR WINDBAG: But, sire, from signs I read on every hand If such a policy were long pursued We must import from out our native land More Loyal Democrats, who longing wait To most efficiently infuse "new blood" Where now stagnation makes the veins turn blue.

COL. TOADY: Right, right you are! I know an anxious host Who long have languished from the want of pap, And once were they turned loose, the energy So long stored up would vivify this state, But this fool civil service bars the way-- It should be thrust aside for party's good.

FRANCOS: Thy words do to my willing ear appeal, But our politic foes are strong entrenched, While mockish sentiment doth strongly point To danger, if we cast the scoundrels out.

SIR HIGGS: But, friends, doth prudence warrant such a step? Already inefficiency doth creep Into each bureau till our revenues Do warning give that we must now beware.

SIR WINDBAG: But, gentlemen, our salaries are sure; If needs must be, cut down and slyly pare Along the line where least resistance lies, And on our predecessors throw the blame.

FRANCOS: But Caesar an accounting will demand Should this frail craft be wrecked or run aground, For he doth wish to cast it soon adrift With crew well drilled to threatening shoals avoid.

SIR HIGGS: Here wisdom surely speaks in trumpet tones, And hence we must adventure wisely make To guide the vessel on its way with care And launch it as a well-manned sturdy craft; Then, whatsoe'er befalls them, we can wash Our hands, for they by importunity Most strong, will then have ventured on the cruise In unknown seas where dangers dark do dwell.

COL. TOADY: Ha! well we know the course the ship will take With men of color standing at the helm; But let them reap the tares which they have sown, We care not if they cut each other's throats.

SIR WINDBAG: But, gentle sir, if they desire to war, Why should we hinder such a sportive game? They own those isles, and why should we debar Them pastimes, for "they know just what they want."

FRANCOS: But, sirs, we wander from the vital point. I called this conclave to impress with force The import great of sifting from our ranks Those evil-minded men, whose loyalty Is doubtful, and may bring lasting reproach Upon our policies, and thus besmirch The reputation of that Jove-like pair That rules the destiny of our great state.

COL TOADY: Ha, thou hast said! In all the universe, No other souls, like these, can quick discern Great worth combined with mental attributes Which qualify for high official place: When in these isles a census must be made Their eagle eyes discerned my hiding place And then perceiving qualities most rare Demanded that I serve the public weal!

SIR HENMART: And me! Hid in my happy prairie home, They tore me thence, all for the nation's good!

SIR WINDBAG : I, too, inherent qualities possess Which caused those mental eyes to hunt me out!

FRANCOS: But, gentlemen, this state is honeycombed With treason dark unto the pow'rs that be. Even our party men, with cold disdain, Look on our policy with covert sneer. Some few there are who grovel in the mire, But most deport themselves with silent mien; These should be watched, and when the moment comes Where opportunity her hand extends, We should her aid accept, and lop those heads Which placed on shoulders square with spine erect Dare in the privacy of social life To breathe disloyalty to us who rule.

SIR WINDBAG: Ah, sire, sweet music to mine ears thy words Do make. Within my university Some loyal souls have in epistles sweet Breathed loyalty. Such should the passport be. And if this document cannot be shown It were sure proof that in the rebel heart Treason doth lurk and only hides its head To firmly hold position, at our hands.

FRANCOS: But, Windbag, dost thou not perceive that the Vile press, which here opinion seems to form, Would placard on its pages with great glee That civil service hath been swept aside? No! we must, with the Indian's guile, our track Cover insinuatingly, and wise. But vigilance should be our slogan now That we may spy out each disloyal rogue.

COL. TOADY: This civil service is a brittle shield When pure Democracy doth wield the sword, And were it strong, the rebel that it guards Can be unhorsed by stabbing in the back.

FRANCOS: O happy thought! within my secret heart I long have cherished it. Now to your posts-- And for the conflict buckle on the sword. Disloyalty to Tinio avenge!

SIR HIGGS: While I'll take little part in this crusade, Still it doth pleasure me most mightily When I reflect that every head lopped off Affords much joy to some good Democrat. 'Twere wise to little say unto the mob For it each idle word will subtile twist, But smile, and smile, yet keep the guillotine Well oiled and ready for its cleaning work.

"We're living in a hotbed of sedition; These "rats" have been infected by tradition. If we can't smoke them out And give our friends a place, We'll plug the rat holes up And thus we'll save our face, Hence we must wage the battle stern and hearty; These posts must serve as flagstaffs for our party."

ALL SHOUT: "Hip, Hip, Hurrah! Hip, Hip, Hurrah!! Hip, Hip, Hurrah!!! and a Tammany Tiger!"

OLD FOGY.

A SOLEMN CONCLAVE

Dramatis Personae

A MINSTREL SINGS: The day hath shed its gauzy veil of light, As evening's sable gown usurps its place. Hear the night bird sweetly singing While through space her way she's winging, Melody she's gaily flinging Peace and joy with twilight bringing If Care's dull day, while beck'ning to the night, Hath us depressed let Joy now show his face.

FIRST ILUSTRADO: Son of Arion, from Castalia's fount Where melody divine doth bubble forth, Thou must thy thirst have slaked with copious drafts For gods alone inspire such sounds divine.

SECOND GENTLEMAN OF STATE: 'Twere well the cares of day to toss aside And welcome evening's quiet with a smile, But we who here in solemn conclave meet Can squander moment few to court the Muse; Stern duty calls, and to each patriot ear 'Tis music sweet, to which he quick responds, Then to the council board let us repair And these the mysteries of state evolve.

FIRST REPRESENTATIVE: Time swiftly flies with heading on her wings. From out the eastern skies where Caesar dwells, The lightnings flash reports that should rejoice Each loyal heart within this island realm. Soon, senators with dignity enrobed Will grace the halls of our enfranchised state, And then the padlock which our lips now close Shall like a useless toy to be cast side. Then can we voice unto the list'ning world Those noble aspirations long confined Lest their frank utterance should work us ill And closer seal the bonds which hold us fast. For, what concessions our oppressors make, Can never be withdrawn; and when they see That folly prompted all, 'twill be in vain, And we can their discomfort laugh to scorn.

SECOND ILUSTRADO: Alas, I fear these happy days when we Can loll in cooling shades while others toil For us, on stipends which like widow's mite Are small: will in the future disappear. These men who prate of slavery in these isles Do know full well that witness false they bear. We buy not souls and on the record place Their names among the chattels which we own, But their life's labor for a certain sum We purchase, when in times of sorry stress They fain prefer it thus, rather than starve; But slavery! The Orient knows it not.

FIRST ILUSTRADO: And so again the Bible aptly says That he who careth for his family not Is worse than he who infidelity Doth to his breast with loving arms enfold.

SECOND REPRESENTATIVE: Alas, 'tis innovation they enthrone Within the halls of science where they steal Our trusty dogs to torture in the name Of progress, while our hearts indignant burn.

FIRST ILUSTRADO: Again, in terms opprobrious they mouth Anent our noble elevating sport Where our illustrious citizens do meet And in the cockpit spend a happy hour.

SECOND GENTLEMAN OF THE STATE: Alas, our beardless youths seem satisfied With club in hand to pass at fleeting ball Or chase it, monkey-like, in open field Thus throwing dignity unto the winds.

SECOND TWIN: Francos is honest, hence were easy fooled; But we suspicion in his mind must plant. We are but few who hold the purse strings here, And union sweet: we to our aid must call Those who have tarried long within our walls. The saints, be praised, are weak and pow'rless now, For Francos stubbornly disdains them all, And hence our scheming he will ne'er discern.

FIRST TWIN: Well said: the vultures which are nested here Have eyes that cat-like pierce the deepest shades, And were these men in high official place 'Twere vain attempt to work our deep laid plans.

FIRST ILUSTRADO: We long have profit made from rentals high And quiet sat, while, like the cormorant We gulped sweet morsels from their quiv'ring flesh; But soon we must their very forms devour.

FIRST REPRESENTATIVE: But we must ever wear engaging smile While poisoned chalice off'ring to their lips; Hence we should caution woo, lest she doth warn Him who the offered cup would fool-like taste.

FIRST TWIN: But honor ever should be kept in view-- No spot should tarnish her encircling robe.

COUNT LUIE : But what is honor? 'tis a slip'ry word Which oft is used vile turpitude to hide; She smiles on those who Mount Parnassus climb; On those who fail, she casts disdainful frown. O, fickle world, which kneels before success No matter how its Idol was enthroned! Hence, one to pow'r attain should scruple not, For it were balm which cureth ev'ry ill.

SECOND TWIN: Here speaks a friend of those who do aspire To build a nation from these many isles; His mind doth soar above all selfish thoughts;

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