Read Ebook: The American Cyclops the Hero of New Orleans and Spoiler of Silver Spoons by McLaughlin James Fairfax

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THE AMERICAN CYCLOPS,

THE HERO OF NEW ORLEANS,

AND

SPOILER OF SILVER SPOONS.

Dubbed LL.D.

by PASQUINO.

BALTIMORE: KELLY & PIET. 1868.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1867, by KELLY & PIET,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the District of Maryland.

Introductory.

The following little illustrated effusion is offered to the public, in the hope that it may not prove altogether uninteresting, or entirely inappropriate to the times. The famous pre-historic story of Ulysses and Polyphemus has received its counterpart in the case of two well-known personages of our own age and country. Ulysses of old contrived, with a burning stake, to put out the glaring eye of Polyphemus, the man-eating Cyclops, and thereby to abridge his power for cannibal indulgence; while our modern Ulysses, perhaps, mindful of his classical prototype, is content to leave the new Polyphemus safely "bottled-up" under the hermetical seal of the saucy Rebel Beauregard. Although the second Cyclops is yet alive, and still possesses the visual organ in a squinting degree, a regard for impartial history compels us to add, that the sword which leapt from its scabbard in front of Fort Fisher, has fallen from the grasp of the "bottled" chieftain, whether from an invincible repugnance to warlike deeds, like that which pervaded the valiant soul of the renowned Falstaff, or because an axe on the public grindstone is a more congenial weapon in the itching palm of a Knight of Spoons, has not yet been determined with absolute precision.

The warrior Ulysses, like his namesake of Ithaca, however widely opinion may militate upon his other qualifications, certainly deserves the everlasting gratitude of a spoon-desolated country for the strategy displayed in tearing off the plumes of the American Polyphemus, and fixing that precious flower of knighthood among the "bottled" curiosities of natural history.

The American Cyclops.

Progressive age! for contemplation's eye, Thy checker'd scenes a glorious field supply; Time was when Mercury waved the potent wand, And Nature brightened in the artist's hand,-- When mind's dominion round the world was thrown, Before usurping Mammon seized the throne. Aspiring genius, chill thy noble rage, For baser uses rule our iron age; Drive the hard bargain, mart for sordid gain, And where it will not win, hold honor vain;

A theologian, without doctor's chair, He dons the gown t' escape the task of prayer. "Heresiarch recant, or leave the school:" A recantation proved the knave no fool. Behold him later in another sphere, Where thieves abound and murderers appear; Tricked out in low and meretricious art, He plays with skill the pettifogger's part; Chicanery's brought to succor darkest crime, Too basely foul t' expose in decent rhyme. Oh! shades of Littleton and Murray rise, Where Webster trod and Choate all honor'd lies-- Rise to behold the satyr in their place, Who points the moral of his clime and race; And if decay and shame may wake thy grief, Weep for New England cursed by such a chief.

Oh! hapless hour, when from the stormy North, This modern Cyclops marched repellent forth, To slake his thirst for blood and plundered wealth, Not as the soldier, but by fraud and stealth; To waft the gales of death with horror rife On helpless age, and wage with women strife: To leave at Baltimore and New Orleans The drunkard's name, or worse, the gibbet's scenes; To license lust with all a lecher's rage, And stab the virtue of a Christian age:

As heir expectant of unnumbered spoons. He wakes a patriot; presto, he is clad As Fallstaff for the battle--raving mad. Lo! Baltimore becomes the first emprise, When Gilmor's scandal shock'd the men at Guy's: "To horse, to horse," our hero drunk exclaims, "I'll crush rebellion--give the town to flames." The faithful groom the pawing steed attends, The maudlin Cyclops all oblique ascends; But ere the lambent flames consume the town, The Cid unhorsed, like Bacchus, topples down. Old Juno's goose erst saved imperial Rome, But Rebel whisky saves the Rebels' home. Next comes the dismal order--'tis from Scott--

"Fort Fisher be my epitaph!" 'Tis meet, For long ago it gave thy winding sheet. But hold, enough; no further we'll pursue The modern Haynau. "Bottled" Chief, adieu. Haply my country's freedom still remains, And with the night have passed oppression's chains: Oh, may the storms which settle o'er our land Be gently lifted by th' all-saving Hand; The dove return; fraternal discord cease, And millions join the Jubilee of Peace!

FOOTNOTES

He entered College in his sixteenth year as a future candidate for the ministry. As he was without resources, he was compelled to do manual work to meet the expenses incurred at the Institution. The fact is creditable.

Many instances are related of his insubordination at school and disputes with superiors. One of the preachers having advanced the opinion that only one in every hundred Christians would, perhaps, be saved, our hero drew up a theological petition asking leave to vacate his seat in church, very candidly regarding himself as among the number that would be lost. A public reprimand for his smart irreverence was the only answer vouchsafed the unfledged Doctor.

The people of a captured city were subjected to fines and levies and open plunder, and in some instances imprisoned at hard labor with ball and chain.

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