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Ebook has 102 lines and 7197 words, and 3 pages

Identity

A short story by Zo? Blade

"Flat-chested Faye, flat-chested Faye," chanted the girls on the table next to Faye and Rebecca's. The large hall smelled of cabbages, potatoes and baked beans, and everyone else was talking and eating and moving chairs so loudly that Faye could hardly hear herself think.

"Just ignore them," suggested Rebecca.

Faye didn't say anything. She opened her lunchbox and fished around in her deep blazer pockets for her medication. She teased a pill out of the bottle and washed it down with some orange squash from her Helen Fryer thermos flask.

"It's not healthy to have secrets, you know." Rebecca peered across at her, trying to make out the label on the bottle.

"They're called antiandrogens." Faye slipped the bottle back into her pocket. "I told you, I have a hormonal imbalance, that's all." It wasn't even a white lie, she told herself. It was just being vague.

"Is that why you haven't... you know... developed yet?" Rebecca took a bite out of her sandwich.

"It's not healthy to be so pushy, either." Faye forced herself to start eating her lunch; she wasn't feeling hungry.

"Sorry," said Rebecca. She took a sip of her drink. "It's just that it's not the same without you during swimming lessons. Who else am I going to tease?"

"I'm sure there must be someone," said Faye.

Rebecca looked up as she thought to herself. "How come you're not allowed to go swimming with us, anyway? Just because you haven't started puberty yet? I mean, Jenny's way behind everyone else too and she still goes swimming."

"I'd rather not talk about it." Faye didn't dare to look up from her food. She could already feel herself getting the kind of headache that meant she'd start crying soon if she wasn't careful. She tried to change the subject. "Have you done the new Fryer episode?"

"What, this?" Rebecca pulled a silver disc out of her blazer pocket, holding it up for Faye to see. "You want to try it?"

"I think I could be persuaded." Faye looked up long enough for her eyes to meet Rebecca's. Big mistake. She tried not to think about how they seemed to radiate a sense of playful mischief, or about the curly trusses of auburn hair partially hiding them.

Rebecca handed the disc to Faye, and for an instant, their hands touched as she took it from her.

"Thanks." Faye slid the disc into her pocket and tried to concentrate on finishing her meal.

Faye stared up at a bright blue sky that wasn't there and listened to a dozen conversations about nothing in particular. She breathed in deeply, savouring the scent of the freshly cut grass she wasn't really lying on. Although she was actually lying on her bed, her senses were all being hijacked by the Digitac player lying next to her as it replayed the sensory input of Helen Fryer, one of the country's most popular actresses. She saw and heard everything that Helen did, but she was helpless to try and direct her where she wanted to go. She was just an observer, albeit a very intimate one.

Faye felt someone squeeze her hand, and turned to face him. Naturally, it was James. He had the kind of rugged good looks that were currently considered attractive by most of the girls in her class. His bleached blonde hair was just long enough to get in the way of his hazel eyes, and whenever she kissed him, his stubble felt like sandpaper. She wasn't quite sure if she had a type yet, but if she did, James definitely wasn't it.

"I love you, James," she felt herself say.

"I love you too, Helen," said James. His smile widened, and Faye felt hers do the same. He leaned towards her. She reciprocated, closing her eyes. As their lips met, she started to open her mouth, letting him separate her lips with his tongue.

She reached into her bedside drawer, lifted up a stack of glossy magazines and pulled out the Digitac disc she'd been too embarrassed to tell anyone about.

Within moments, she was running on a treadmill in front of a full length mirror. She could smell her own sweat, sharp and strong, but it didn't matter. Closing her eyes again, she stared at her own face, or at least the face of a nameless actress, blue eyes staring back at her from behind a blonde fringe, smiling with determination and the knowledge that she could push herself further this time. Digitac actresses almost always smiled. She pushed a few buttons on the treadmill's keypad, and it beeped in reply as the motor sped up.

Her muscles soon started to ache, but it was worth it. She could feel every inch of her fully developed and well defined body. Every footstep filled her with the kind of satisfaction she couldn't get in real life. She was supple and slender, but not dangerously thin anymore. She was fully grown, with curves she would do anything to have in real life.

Without warning, Faye felt a tap on her shoulder. She pressed the stop button on the player again and opened her eyes.

"Your father and I would like to have a word with you when you're ready." Her mother was standing by the bed, looking down at her.

"What did I do?" protested Faye.

"It's nothing like that."

Faye squinted up at her mother, shielding her eyes from the bedroom light with her hand. "What do you want then?"

Her mother sighed in frustration. "Please, just come down."

"Please, sit down, dear," suggested her mother.

Faye sat down on the couch, facing both her parents. They looked solemn, like the time her uncle had died.

Her mother cleared her throat. "You know how you're... different from the other girls?"

"I don't like Helen Fryer as much," suggested Faye.

"Not that." Her mother sounded frustrated again now.

"Your body," said her father, almost apologetically. "You know, the reason you work on your algebra while your friends have their swimming lessons."

Years ago, her parents had sat her down for a similar talk. They had told her about how all babies have thorough medical checks these days, ever since the government worked out that prevention was cheaper than cure. When she'd had hers, the high definition MRI scan had apparently revealed that she was a perfectly healthy baby girl--despite her body giving her the appearance of a perfectly healthy baby boy.

It was an age old condition, her parents had told her. In a funny sort of way, they'd said, she was lucky to have been born when she was. As recently as a few decades earlier, people with her medical issue had to work it out for themselves after decades and sometimes even lifetimes of mental anguish. Nowadays it was something your doctor told your parents at birth.

"I know you don't exactly like your body," said her father.

"I look like a freak," muttered Faye.

"That's not true," said her mother sharply. "You look just as lovely as any of your friends."

Faye didn't say anything. It simply wasn't true. Karen and Sarah and Louise all had to start wearing training bras this year, and here she was with a flat chest and an unsightly bulge in her knickers. It was hideous. Her skin crawled just thinking about it.

"Those pills you're taking are just a temporary measure," her mother continued. "They're delaying your puberty, but you can't take them forever." Her mother's voice became unusually soft and quiet. "You're going to have to make a choice."

"What kind of choice?" asked Faye, her eyes still fixed on the floor. She could feel them welling up already.

Her father piped up. "We can give you some other pills that will give your body the oestrogen it ought to be producing. They'll make you look more like your friends, you know, put some weight on your hips and..." he glanced at her chest, unable to be so blunt to his own daughter. "...other places." He quickly changed the subject, adding, "But you'll have to meet us half way, you understand, and start eating properly."

Faye looked up at him, hope in her eyes. He looked blurry behind her tears.

"Plus, you know... we've been saving away since your birth. I know Christmas and your birthday have always been lean, but you'd be able to have an operation to fix..." he glanced down at her groin. "...you know."

"Really? You mean it?" Faye sniffed.

Her father gave her mother a look that silenced her.

"What do you mean?" asked Faye, her eyes darting from her mother to her father.

"There's a new operation you can have." Her father shifted in his seat. "They came out with it a few years ago."

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