Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 93. September 17 1887 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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ROBERT.

THE WAIL OF THE MALE;

BACKING BACO.

HOUSE AND HOME.

MY DEAR MONEYPENNY,

PRAY excuse one more refusal of your kind and seasonable invitation, so often repeated, to come and stay with you at the "Sycamores." Believe me, there is nobody in the world than yourself I had rather live with if obliged to choose somebody. But to pass more than a few hours at a stretch in anyone's house besides my own, is more than I can abide, unless now and then for a night or so at an hotel, where I am not expected to notice anybody, and nobody minds me except the waiters in attendance, whom I am not ashamed of giving trouble. Besides, my dear fellow, you have no idea of what my making myself at home in your quarters as I do in my own would mean. Am in the first place, a very late riser. If my mind is occupied with any problem, usually lie in bed and think it out, very often until noon, or, even later.

When I have done breakfast , I always smoke a pipe, and then set-to at reading or writing for a longer or shorter time, and go on smoking at intervals in the meanwhile. Sometimes sit and meditate till I lapse into a brown study, and am then liable to dream day-dreams, and fall into fits of unconscious cerebration, in which I frequently start up and spout SHAKSPEARE, or sing songs, or hum passages in operas, oratorios, symphonies, and overtures, a trick which, as my voice is very harsh and discordant, would of course be most irritating and offensive to anybody who could hear me, as would be generally the case anywhere out of my own den. Could never bear to be punctual to meal times, must always dine at what time it suits me; am utterly incapable of observing regular hours.

So I might go on. But I trust I have now said enough to show you what a bore I should be if I were to repay your generous importunity to become your guest and do whatever I pleased so ill as to comply with it. Enough. I am afraid I have already bored you with much too long a letter. Let me only add that almost all social amusements, particularly cards and dancing, and every sort of small talk, common-place conversation, chaff, or gossip, or discussion of any subject, except philosophy, science, politics and theology, on which I am prone to argument, whilst my opponents generally lose their temper--are all so many bores of the very first magnitude to your sincerely candid and scrupulously outspoken friend,

THE BRIGAND'S DOOM.

CHORUS.

SEE us here, in jubilation, A brand-new Association. Still, the truth to tell, although What we want we don't quite know. We are bound the world to wake, If sufficient noise we make. Hail our programme then with bliss, Which is, briefly stated, this: No longer we'll trust representative nous, But force for ourselves Parliamentary gates, As Members we'll take our own seats in the House, And have our expenses paid out of the rates.

A LOCAL RATEPAYER .

Nay, nay! To take your seats, you're free, But not, oh! not, to burthen me! Enough am I already charged, And would not see the sum enlarged, Your pay,--that is your own affair; I care not whence it emanates: I only most distinctly swear, You shall not get it from the rates.

CHORUS .

Be still, and know that the whole nation, Bows down to the Association!

MORE ADVICE GRATIS.

RIPARIAN OWNER.--Yes, you can, if you think it worthwhile, sue the owners of the five houseboats which have moored themselves close to your front-garden, and to whose proximity you fancy the two cases of typhus and one of cholera in your family are to be attributed. You ask what the maximum costs would be. Costs are things which have no maximum. Multiply your yearly income by the number of boats, and you will be pretty near the amount.

HISTORICAL STUDENT.--1. THOMAS CROMWELL was called the "Lord Protector" because he protected the Lord Chancellor from the King's vengeance. 2. No, the expression "short commons" has nothing do with the Long Parliament.

POLITICIAN.--1. You are under a misapprehension in supposing that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has undertaken to delimit the Afghan frontier. He has been appointed a Fishery Commissioner, with full power to investigate the condition of the Margate whelk-trade. 2. North Sea "Smacksmen" are not so called in consequence of their recent treatment by the Ostend fish-wives.

THE LOST RECORD.

RUNNING one day on the "Cinder," I led all the field with ease; I felt I was going strongly, I romped in quite "as you please." I knew not what I was doing, I was "fit as a fiddle" then, And I made a "Record" that morning I never shall make again.

AN "ORANGE FREE STATE" THAT SHOULD HAVE ITS LIBERTY CURTAILED.--Peel on the pavement.

THE HOUSE "UP" AT LAST.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

All very well to say, "Get a pair," but where do they grow? In moody thought, and growing despair, met HARTINGTON'S dog. Here was chance! "ROY" rather nondescript politician. Says he's a Liberal, but barks in favour of Government, and, though admits they're not always right , yet steadily votes for them. Is, in short, a Liberal-Unionist. We're asked not to pair with Liberal-Unionists. But exceptions to every rule; will make one here. "ROY" delighted. Says he's sick of politics, and would like a roll on pasture-land.

Nearly everyone else off, pair or no pair. Irish Members, with exception of PARNELL, have nowhere else to go, so make up their minds not only to stop themselves, but to be the cause of stopping in others. PARNELL long ago gone off shooting. The O'GORMAN MAHON shook his hand all the way across Palace Yard, and assured him he might go without a sense of uneasiness.

"I'll keep mee oi on things when ye'er gone, dear Bhoy," he said, giving his Chief resounding whack on back that nearly knocked him down. "We learnt a thing or two when gettin' the Bill o' Roights through, and I've seen a thrifle since."

A dreary place the House, yet struggling through fag-ends of work. Not a cheery Session from any point of view. No new reputations made; some old ones shaken, some shattered.

SOME NOTES AT STARMOUTH.

Most flourishing institution on the Beach is certainly Phrenology. No less than three little platforms, each with a Consulting Chair, a table, on which stands a meek bust, and a canvas awning overhead, and row of garden-seats in front. Have long wished to gain insight into this Science. Think there certainly is something in it. As a Blazer near me remarks, "Why, you'd say Cocoa-nuts looked all alike, till you come to see there's differences--and it's the same with 'eds." Cockney tone about this. To find his proper station, I should have to go, I fancy, to Charing Cross, Cannon Street, or Waterloo.

Find a Lady-Professor on first platform giving a "delineation" of a live subject--a turnip-headed little boy of three, who sits with his tongue out, under the impression he is at the Doctor's. "His self-will is strong," she is announcing in Sibylline accents to his proud parents, "and I should say you would find him very strong-willed. I should check it by curbing his will. Conjugality large, and therefore we may say that he will be fond of his wife and of his home. Self-esteem only moderate. It will be useless to bring up this little boy to any trade or business of a mechanical kind, unless he developes an after-taste for it, which I do not say he may not--far from it. But he has a brain which will fit him for great success in some artistic profession. Give him colours and a brush, and you will see he will immediately commence to paint--likewise draw. Or he has an organ with which he can be a great Composer, if you care to develope him that way. Or he would write books or poetry--that would come very easy to him, he would have no difficulty in doing it at all. I think that is all with this subject."

Pass on to Professor PODDER. Venerable gentleman with dark grey beard, and a certain ponderous playfulness. He has got a subject too--a pretty little impish girl of eight, who is struggling to suppress a fit of the giggles. "This is a thoughtful little one we 'ave here," he says, patting her hair in a fatherly way. "She thinks. Turns over things in her mind. Reflects. Compares. Memory for dates moderate. She will be fond of her home, fond of her parents. She will be capable of passing in an examination--if she takes pains. She finds no difficulty in doing anything that comes easy to her." "There is one thing I should like to see--a little more Veneration. Where Veneration should be I find a distinct depression. This young lady has a keen sense of the ridiculous. Easily detects what is ridiculous." "I have done, young lady. Now, we have a nice large audience--I hope some other subject will oblige us by stepping up. We like to see one coming up briskly after another, you know. We don't like to be idle."

His eye seems glancing in my direction. Off to hear Professor SKITTLES. He is a bony, lantern-jawed young man, in velveteen jacket, with a puggaree round his hat. As I come up, he is delineating a lady of portentous plainness, who sits and sniggers with a dreadful bashfulness. "This young lady has a large and powerful brain," he says--"plenty of Wit and Humour, Thoughtfulness and Consideration for Others, Caution, and Memory for Events that impress her strongly. Her Social Brain is large; she is fond of Society, and likes to see others enjoying themselves. Thinks more of others' happiness than her own. We should like to see a little more 'ope."

This Professor, I find, enjoys the highest reputation; he measures more, for one thing, and has an Assistant, who enters all the measurements in a ledger, which naturally inspires confidence. The Lady delineator, I also hear, does not think it necessary to measure so much, and is of opinion that Professor SKITTLES "studies too hard."

New subject; quite a typical 'ARRY, round back, hock-bottle shoulders, has shambled up, and taken the chair. No forehead nor chin worth mentioning; but, as he removes his hat , a tall crest of yellow hair starts up like a trick wig. Professor measures him solemnly as he sits with a crooked grin.

I hardly know exactly how I came here--but here I am on the platform, sitting in the Professor's chair. He is measuring me with a sliding scale, the brass end of which feels cold against my forehead. Curious sensation, as if I was upside down at a Bootmaker's. Sun in my eyes. Tittering from girls on benches in front.

A party of Blazers has just come up--I fear in a frivolous spirit. Begin to wish now I had had this done privately.

THE LAND OF THE 'ARRY'UNS.--'Am'stead 'Eath.

NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.

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