Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Vol. 93 December 10 1887 by Various

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PUNCH,

VOL. 93.

DECEMBER 10, 1887

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

FROM THE ROCHDALE RASPER .

DEAR TOBY,

The address from which I write to you is familiar in the public ear in connection with a long series which, such is the ignorance of mankind, I have heard described as petulant, querulous, self-adulatory notes. I have often wondered that it has not occurred to any one to notice the singular appropriateness of the name of my humble home. It is not for me, at my time of life, to claim anything like prescience of affairs. I may have been right in my views of the succeeding events of the past half-century, or I may have been wrong. I will just mention that my friend, T-NN-S-N, who has a pretty faculty for poetry, once summed me up in a couplet which I venture to think is not without its charm. "J-HN BR-GHT," he wrote--

J-HN BR-GHT Is always right.

My nearest approach to human frailty, is, perhaps, to be found in a certain measure of absence of suavity. It is perhaps possible that my temper was,--I will not say soured, but--not sweetened by the vile attacks made upon me personally by Irish Members in Parliament during the last ten years. You remember what B-NT-NCK said about me? I don't mean Big Ben, or Little Ben, but Lord GEORGE B-NT-NCK. "If BR-GHT," he said, "had not been a Quaker, he would have been a prize-fighter." I think there is about the remark some suspicion of lack of respect. But, also, it is not without some foundation of truth. I admit an impulse to strike back when I am hit; sometimes when I am not. Through two Parliaments the ragged regiment that live upon the contributions of their poor relations in domestic service in the United States have girded at me in the House of Commons. This was my reward for the rhetorical services I did for Ireland a quarter of a century ago. They pummelled me, kicked me, dragged my honoured name in the dust, and spat upon me in the market-place. That gross ingratitude I could never forgive, and if in reprisal, the cause I once advocated suffers, can I be held blameable?

But this seems to be running into the groove of apology, and I never apologised to anyone for anything in my life. For fear I should begin now, I will close this letter, remaining, Your friend, J-HN BR-GHT.

P.S.--I observe that in my haste I have not called you a fool, or directly stigmatised as such anyone alluded to in this letter. I am afraid this will be regarded as a sign of growing weakness. But I will bring up the average in the next letter I write for publication.

THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD.

GENERAL CHORUS.

See Christmas is upon us and the world around us living, Seeks us and asks the pretty gifts it soon would fain be giving. The stories thrilling, tender, sweet, to suit all tastes and ages, All gleaming with their covers gay and picture-covered pages; The dainty illustrated leaf, the paper softly tinted, In type, to suit young eyes and old, all exquisitely printed: Of artist's pencil, author's pen, the choicest, fairest flower, Behold as the glad season comes we thus upon you shower.

MESSRS. BLACKIE & SONS.

Christmas leaves? Would you pick up the handsomest ones, First look at these scattered by BLACKIE & SONS. Here tales of home life and adventure in plenty, Have good names to vouch for them. Take G. A. HENTY, In "Bonnie Prince Charlie" and "Orange and Green," He lays first in Scotland, then Ireland his scene, And thrills you with reading the hairbreadth escapes, Of the heroes he rescues from numberless scrapes. But while in "For the Temple," he ventures to tell How in ages long past great Jerusalem fell; Yet if less ancient horrors are more to your mind, In the reign of the "Terror" material you'll find; And if you would learn how pluck never goes wrong, You've but to go straightway to "Sturdy and Strong." Next ELIZABETH LYSAGHT in "Aunt Hesba's Charge," On the virtues of old Maiden Aunts doth enlarge, And relates in "Our General" by a small head, How a family through all its trials may be led. Then J. PERCY GROVES in "The War of the Axe," Tells a stirring Cape story of Caffre attacks, And "The Seven Wise Scholars" supply ASCOTT R. HOPE, For knocking off seven good tales, ample scope, He in "Old Renown" stories, too, brilliantly writes Of the deeds done of old by brave heroes and knights; While E. BROOKES harking back with his "Chivalric Days," Of the boys and the girls of old times sings the praise. "Girl Neighbours," allows SARAH TYTLER to say, On the whole she prefers the girl of the day; In "Miss Willowbrown's Offer," how traitors may fail, SARAH DOWDNEY describes in a well-written tale. With "The Babbling Teapot," to a little girl changed, Mrs. CHAMPNEY has well into Wonderland ranged. Out of "Willie," who here "Gutta Percha" is named, GEORGE MACDONALD, an excellent story has framed, And has shown how he finds life's troubles prove plastic, Possessing a brain which his friends deem elastic. In "The Princess" and "Goblin" he tries a new scheme, And sweeps you along with his mystical theme; But when she meets "Curdie" he now and then treads On ground that is over his young readers' heads. If a truant's adventures, fair reading you find, The good ship "Atalanta," you'd bear in your mind, And you'll follow "aboard" it, the hero whose fate HENRY FRITH'S thrilling pages know how to relate. Next in "Chirp and Chatter" from field and from tree, Young children taught lessons by L. BANKS you'll see. "Queen Maud," with her "orders" by LOUISA CROW, Shows pride in a haughty young maiden brought low: While in the "Squire's Grandson," J. CALLWELL proves how A small boy can make up a family row. The stories of WASA and MENZIKOFF tell Two historical tales, and do it right well. In his "Dick o' the Fens," one Fen,--MANVILLE FENN,-- Gives some capital studies of Lincolnshire men; But in "Sir Walter's Ward," the age of Crusades, Mr. WILLIAM EVERARD brightly invades. The "Girlhood" of "Margery Merton" relates, The struggle that oft a young artist awaits, And how in the end her brave efforts prevail, ALICE CORKRAN unfolds in her well-written tale. And if "Clogs," well selected for children to wear, You're in need, AMY WALTON will find you "a pair." If the "Secret" of "Rovers" is more to your taste, HARRY COLLINGWOOD follow,--your time you'll not waste. In field, forest, or stream, would you "Insect Ways" learn, For their "Summer Day's" life to J. HUMPHREYS turn. But to close:--GORDON BROWNE, whose famed pencil so skilled, Of the foregoing pages so many has filled, Crowns the whole by contributing last, but not least, His new "Hop o' my Thumb" and "The Beauty and Beast."

GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS.

Are you seeking for young children picture-books to please the eye? Then your need GEORGE ROUTLEDGE and his Sons will readily supply. Here's "Little Wide-Awake," designed to suit the earliest age, Bound brightly, with a picture too on nearly every page; And then there's "Sunny Childhood," with its colouring so gay, Where Mrs. SALE BARKER has such pleasant things to say; And in "Our Friends" and in "Our Home" she takes them by the hand, And talks to little readers in the words they understand. "Our Darlings," too, by MARS, show how our little darlings fare Who by their MARS are taken everywhere. If "Fairy Tales" you're seeking, LABOULAYE'S collected lore, With new ones, and unheard before, will furnish up your store. And if young heroes of all climes should come within your scope, You'll turn to "Youngsters' Yarns," and will have faith in ASCOTT HOPE. Then "Herbert Massey's" doings in "Eastern Africa" you'll find, Told by Commander CAMERON, quite of a thrilling kind. "The Children of the New Forest," that MARRYAT wrote of yore, PAUL HARDY and JOHN GILBERT join to illustrate once more. "Round Nature's Dial," by H. M. BURNSIDE, tells full and clear The shifting story of the times and seasons of the year. The "Annual" for "Every Boy" affords all boys a treat, Which, thanks to EDMUND ROUTLEDGE, may be held as quite complete. Here "Caldecott's last 'Graphic' Pictures" come in handy guise, While by her "Book" consulting, the "Young Lady" may grow wise. How good we'd be if all, before they do, to think would tarry On what Miss EDGEWORTH taught to "Lucy," "Rosamond," and "Harry." "Natural History," Illustrated "for Young People," must do good, As a text-book for young children, ably done by F. G. WOOD. The "Funny Foxes and their Feats" and doings "at the Fair," With some of ERNST GRISET'S happiest efforts may compare. "The 'Shall Nots' of the Bible" and "Loving Links" combine, In page illuminated, human verse and text divine. "Play and Earnest" tells of children who their playing much enjoy, In a story quaint and charming of a plucky little boy. Then "Sunbeam Stories," "Storm" and "Sunshine," told in prose and rhyme, And "Stories" for a "Holiday," as also "Pets' Pastime." These, with "Sindbad's" famed Adventures, new to many we suppose, With KATE GREENAWAY'S bright Almanack our list must fitly close.

MESSRS. MACMILLAN & CO.

Surely "Little Miss Peggy" will work you the spell Mrs. MOLESWORTH'S charmed pen weaves so deftly and well, For this quaint little lady, with ways sweet and bright, Her small nursery readers can't fail to delight. In "An Unknown Country" pen and pencil beguile Him who tempts it to visit his own Sister Isle. The text he'll find art a true handmaid to wait on In the exquisite work of F. NOEL PATON.

Christmas Cards.

Of Christmas Cards a splendid show This year! Wherever you may go You see them. When you're told, you know They're Christmas Cards. In such a game of Cards the thing Before the eyes of all to bring Is Christmas, but they're Summer, Spring, Most Christmas Cards.

Taking high rank among the Christmas Cards, The artistic reproductions, MARCUS WARD'S, Of two of RAPHAEL'S best-known Madonnas Must, at this season, carry off the honours. Both from one Pitti Palace--need we name them?-- 'Twould be a thousand pities not to frame them.

"Such books, cards, and crackers," cries Poet, perplexed, "As remain on the list, I will give 'in our next.'"

OUR DEBATING CLUB.

I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the hitherto impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceedings of the Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In the exercise of the discretion with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed from the form of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking and characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed with such short notes and descriptions as may best serve to bring out their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Should I offend by this I shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and customs in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and absurd in themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it with literary matter.

Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may consider himself misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me present, as the first instalment of these papers, some extracts from notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the motion , that:

"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real benefit to the Human Race than Art."

Somehow, although I know that DUFF'S speech was compounded of plain common sense interspersed with abundant facts , I did not begin to take notes that evening until HARTUPP had reached his peroration, which was in this form:--

Your Musical Representative, PETER PIPER.

UNCLE REMUS ON C. S. P-RN-LL.--"Brer Fox he lay low."

SHOWS VIEWS.

ON THE WRONG SCENT.

Oh, these young dogs! They think disorder's dash; Heedless of horn, rebellious to the lash; Just now, too, when our quarry is so clear! Oh, hang the howling, yelping, whimpering lot! On a fine herring-trail the fools have got. They'll spoil the chase, I fear.

ADDISON'S "good old Knight" was happier far. In his well-ordered pack the casual jar Of a raw dog or "noted Liar" met No recognition; no, "he might have yelped His heart out," but the row had nothing helped The hounds astray to set.

Here be "notorious Liars" in full force . "TORRINGTON," back! Back, "STANLEY"! "ECROYD," back! Heed "the old hounds of reputation" here. This shindy must be stopped, or 'twill, I fear, Demoralise the pack!

THE OLDEST SKETCHING CLUB IN THE WORLD.

The Winter's Tale at the Lyceum.

The Latest and Best from Berlin.

The Third Edition of Mr. FRITH'S Recollections is now out. We hear it is dedicated to Archdeacon SUMNER, and that the motto selected is the nautical quotation, "Port it is!"

A DISPUTED WILL.

"Lord BACON arrives at Stratford disguised as a bargee. His midnight visit to SHAKSPEARE'S house. The poaching plot hatched. In the churchyard. The Ghost among the tombs. The Ghost discovered to be Queen ELIZABETH, who had followed BACON to Stratford disguised as a Tilbury fish-wife. The Queen buried alive in Stratford churchyard by BACON and SHAKSPEARE. The good Vicar bribed. Their scheme to dress up ANNE HATHAWAY as Queen. Its success. ANNE HATHAWAY reigns twenty years, everybody taking her for ELIZABETH. SHAKSPEARE appears suddenly at the bedside of BACON. Threatens to disclose all. BACON murders SHAKSPEARE. Takes all SHAKSPEARE'S Plays out of his pocket, and produces them next day as his own. Success of this plot also. How BACON repents at last. Invents the Cryptogram. Inserts it in the Plays on his deathbed."

Your obedient servant, ARTFUL PLODDER.

Then occurs this truly remarkable sentence:--

"God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another."

ANTI-HUMBUG.

TILLY SLOWBOY.

"It will have blood; they say, blood will have blood"--

A few lines further on is a striking confirmation of this.

"How say'st thou, that MACDUFF denies his person At our great bidding?"

SIR,--Perhaps, after all, the best solution of the SHAKSPEARE-BACON puzzle is one analogous to that suggested by a learned Don in the HOMER controversy--viz., that the person who wrote the plays was not SHAKSPEARE, but another man of the same name.

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