Read Ebook: Through the Outlooking Glass by Strunsky Simeon

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Ebook has 239 lines and 9698 words, and 5 pages

Very well, then. In the second place, a candidate for the Presidency should be a man of wide experience. He must have lived in the White House at least seven years, and before that he must have been a member of the Legislature, a Police Commissioner, a cavalry colonel, and the author of a short but masterly treatise on the Irish sagas."

"Is that axiomatic, also?" said Alice.

"Naturally," said the Red Knight.

"Then it means you once more?"

"Exactly," said the Red Knight. "And in the last place he should be a descendant of the old Dutch patroons, a native of New York, and his name should begin with an R and end with a T, and have at least two O's and a V between. Now what does all that prove?"

"Axiomatically, you mean?" said Alice.

"Of course," said the Red Knight.

"It means you again," said Alice.

"You are a very bright child to see the point so quickly," said the Red Knight. "Thus I am the logical candidate of the moment. But please observe that I am much more than that. I am also the physiological candidate, because I can speak faster and louder than any man in the country, and can slug a man harder through the ropes. Then, I am the zoological candidate, because of my record in Africa. And I am the entomological candidate, because I am the broadest-minded man in the world, and my views are absolutely insectarian."

"I don't think that is a very good pun, do you?" said Alice.

"I think it's one of the best puns I ever heard," said the Red Knight, hastily, and went on. "The successful candidate must be one who knows how to make hay when the sun shines and how to get in out of the rain; therefore, I am the meteorological candidate. He should be the man brought forward by a vast national upheaval; that makes me the geological candidate. And, above all, he must not be too thin-skinned when accused of bad faith and personal motives; which makes me the dermatological candidate. So what does all this show?"

"It does," said the Red Knight, and, having divested himself of his armor, he thrust his hands into his pockets and whistled cheerfully.

"Having rallied my troops," said the Red Knight, "I will now march to settle the Trust problem at the head of my convincible army."

"Then why fight at all?" said Alice.

The Red Knight looked at her in astonishment. "If we don't fight, how can we cry fraud afterwards?"

"But you don't absolutely have to cry fraud, do you?" said Alice, timidly.

For the first time since their acquaintance the Red Knight grew sarcastic. "If you can tell me any other way we can keep our spirits up, I'd be much obliged," he said.

"Your army doesn't seem to be a very large one," said Alice.

"Yes, it is," said the Red Knight. "I have countless millions on my side. But they are of a rather retiring disposition. You'd never suspect they were there if I didn't tell you. These men you see are only my Field Marshals. I don't suppose you have ever met them before, have you?"

"I never have," said Alice. "I am only eight, you know, and Mamma says I must be seventeen before I go out in mixed company."

"Then I must introduce you," said the Red Knight. "The small man in armor is George the Harvester. We call him that because he thinks he can sow money and reap delegates. He just loves the people. And he is so modest that the people don't even suspect it. A good man, the Harvester, and as true as United States Steel."

"I don't think I like him," said Alice.

"I didn't until he came out for me," said the Red Knight. "That showed how mistaken I was. The tall, thin man, next to him is Gifford the Forester, so-called because he is frequently up a tree. He is a nice fellow, but not practical enough. I sometimes wonder whether he belongs with the rest of my Field-Marshals. The one in sheepskin is Ormsby the Barrister. He got his title from his willingness to round up Southern delegates for any candidate, bar none. He is the most unprejudiced man I know. The last man on the left, in a uniform of colored frontispieces is Frank the Publisher. He is always in high spirits because his circulation is so good. Have you ever seen a more impressive lot of men?"

Alice couldn't honestly say that she had. So the Red Knight gave the signal and the convincible army started out. Soon they came to two finger-posts pointing in the same direction. One finger-post said, "To the House of the Good Trust," and the other finger-post said, "To the House of the Bad Trust."

Alice thought that was very odd, but she was resolved she'd wait until they came to a fork in the road. But when they did the road on the left had no guide-posts at all, and the two fingers continued to point down the other road.

"Do Good Trust and Bad Trust both live in the same house?" asked Alice.

"I shouldn't be surprised," said the Red Knight, and they marched on till they came to New Jersey; and there, sure enough--but what Alice saw there will be told by the Red Knight in the preceding chapter.

Yes, sure enough, just as Alice and the Red Knight turned the corner they spied the Good Trust and the Bad Trust standing quite still, with their hands in each other's pockets. Alice thought it very odd, because the day was quite warm.

"They do that to keep in practice," said the Red Knight.

To Alice they looked like twins. They were dressed in suits of Pittsburgh steel, with woollen caps in the form of Schedule K. and boots made by the Shoe-Machine Trust.

"I am sure I could never tell them apart," said Alice. "How do you manage to do it?"

"There are several ways," said the Red Knight. "One way is to turn around and let one of them steal your purse. If he spends the money on yachts and Old Masters, it's the Bad Trust. But, if he spends the money on Presidential campaign contributions, it's the Good Trust."

"But what happens to my pocketbook?" asked Alice.

"I think you are very sordid," said the Red Knight. "However, you might try to shake hands with them. If he takes your hand and says, 'How do you do?' it's the Good Trust; but, if he takes your hand and then bites it, you'll know it's the Bad Trust."

"I don't think I like that way either," said Alice. "All I can see is that they look just alike, and behave in exactly the same way."

"That simply shows you lack incrimination and discrimination," said the Red Knight. "Incrimination to recognize the Bad Trust, and discrimination to recognize the Good Trust."

"Usually I do it by instinct," said the Red Knight: "but when it's too dark to see well, I treat them with kindness."

"But what good does that do?" asked Alice.

He walked up to the two Trusts, and poked his finger into the ribs of the one on the left, saying at the same time: "What do you think of the Sherman law?"

"Tee hee, tee hee," the Trust giggled.

"That," said the Red Knight, "is the Bad Trust. Did you ever see such criminal indifference? Now, watch me." And he proceeded to push his finger into the side of the other Trust, repeating: "What do you think of the Sherman law?"

"T. R.! T. R.!" shouted the Trust.

"That is the Good Trust," said the Red Knight. "Of course, it isn't a method that everybody would care to pursue. And that is why I am the only man in the country who can really tell the difference between the two."

It was the Comic Editor who suggested that they go uptown by the subway. It was the rush hour, so there was plenty of room for everybody. The Red Knight lay back in his seat and looked thoughtfully at Alice.

"Now that I have got Oklahoma and there is no doubt as to how the rest of the country is going, I feel the need of a little recreation--" he said.

"Wreckreation, you know," said the Comic Editor and nudged Alice in the side as he spelled out the joke for her.

"Do you like puzzle pictures?" said the Red Knight.

"I just love them," said Alice.

The Red Knight took out a large document printed on heavy parchment. At the top was an eagle with outstretched wings, and Alice could read the first line. "We, the people of the United States, in order--" Borrowing Alice's scissors, he snipped the paper up in little bands and squares. These he first threw up in the air. Then he ran them through his fingers. Then he crumpled them up, threw them on the floor and jumped upon them.

"Change and exercise are good for the Constitution, you know," said the Comic Editor.

Alice looked calmly at the Comic Editor and set to work arranging the fragments. But the task was quite beyond her. "I'm afraid you'll have to do it yourself," she said.

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