Read Ebook: The Last Call: A Romance (Vol. 3 of 3) by Dowling Richard

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Ebook has 676 lines and 38734 words, and 14 pages

Editor: Sir Francis Burnand

Volume 108, May 4th, 1895.

MAY DAY.

Open the windows, salute the day; Welcome, welcome the First of May. Everything's changed, or ought to be, Buds are bursting on hedge and tree. Sweet winds breathe from the West or South Soft as a kiss from a maiden's mouth. Everything speaks of warmth and love, Bright is the sun in the blue above. Out in the woods, I know. I know, Fur and feather are all aglow. Downy rabbits with jewel eyes Dart about in a wild surprise. Yellow-billed blackbird, speckled thrush, Pour their notes in a tuneful gush. And all the neat little boys and girls, With clean fresh faces and hair in curls, Sing in a chorus, "Hurray, hurray! April's gone, it's the First of May!"

That's how I dreamt my May-day dream; But things are not what they ought to seem. For the wind--why, bless me, the wind is East, And the birds don't warble or chirp the least. The whole of the sky is wrapped in gloom. And fires are lighting in every room. And I shiver and sneeze and spend my day In a winter-suit on the First of May.

AUK'D ABOUT.--The skin of a Great Auk was put up for sale last week, but the reserved price was not reached. Evidently it was of bad omen that it should have been put up at an "Auk-shun."

DRAMATIC FAMILY LIKENESS.

"IL IRA LOIN."--Dr. FARRAR, now Chaplain to the SPEAKER, has been made Dean of Canterbury. From the Deanery to a Bishopric is but a step. He has gone Far, will go FARRAR and fare better ... and then ... FARRAR-well to all his greatness!

STRIKES ? LA MODE DE PARIS.

ROSE early, intending to have a real good time of it, in spite of the recent disturbances. As a precautionary measure, wore my bullet-proof coat and shell-defying boots. Carried also my armour-plated umbrella, which can be used as a shield to quick-firing guns. Looked out of window, and found the weather splendid. Firing, too , seemingly all but ceased.

On reaching the street, representative of the Civil Power cautioned me to be careful. Thanked the representative for his courtesy, and asked why a squadron of hussars were trotting past with drawn sabres. Was told that the soldiers were engaged in the protection of a sweep journeying to his work in a donkey-cart.

Started for a stroll, but had to seek shelter in a doorway from a volley of bullets fired in the direction of the early milkman. From this demonstration I gathered that the food supply would be still further restricted owing to the action of the men on strike. After the purveyor had beaten a hasty retreat, advanced upon a strongly-fortified position, which turned out to be, as I expected it would, a doubly-entrenched cab-stand.

Only one vehicle on the rank. Engaged the cabman. Although I was unaccompanied by a relative or friend, found the space at my disposal distinctly limited. The top of the four-wheeler was, of course, occupied by the customary rocket party. The box had its usual sentry, carrying a couple of revolvers and a search-light. Three of the seats inside were occupied by sharpshooters, and I retained the fourth.

"We had better make for the river," said the officer in command, and we fell in with the suggestion.

Our progress was comparatively uneventful. Certainly at the corners of streets we had to run the gauntlet of a shower of projectiles of various dimensions; still, the armour-plated sides of the cab turned aside the flood of iron, and the custodians, by lying flat as occasion required, escaped without injury. Leaving the steel-protected cab, I embarked on board an armoured penny steamboat, and made my way down the river. Fortunately, the helmsman was able to avoid the submarine mines which had been laid by the Chairman of the Strike Committee. Our voyage was also rendered exciting by the torpedoes.

Having reached the last pier, I returned to land, and was sufficiently fortunate to catch an omnibus about to start on its exciting campaign. The route, which ran chiefly through main thoroughfares, extended to the length of four miles. Thanks to the exertions of all arms of the service, the distance was traversed in about three hours. Every inch of the ground was hotly contested, but the omnibus at length won the day. The losses on our side consisted of a colonel killed, and seventy-four rank-and-file wounded. The casualties on the side of the strikers were infinitely more numerous.

On reaching my destination, I made for home in a balloon, thus escaping any further molestation.

PRESENTED AT COURT.

Yours truly, NOTHING IF NOT ORIGINAL.

HIS FAVOURITE SUBJECT.

My friend the Tallow-chandler answered never a word, but chuckled foolishly to himself and retired behind a barrier of mottled soap.

When I had gone a piece further I reached a back street, where I found my friend the Bird-stuffer sitting on his doorstep, playing the mouth-organ.

"Answer me a question," I besought him. "Suppose you found out that those who hold the reins of government in our town were educating large blue-bottle flies to make apricot jam out of your and your neighbours' pig-wash, would you write to the local paper about it, even if you knew that the editor would decline to insert your letter?"

My friend answered never a word; he only giggled in embarrassment, struck up a mazurka on his mouth-organ, and began to dance sheepishly.

But, down in Mud Alley, my friend the Dustcart-man sat at his open window--a family idyll, wife and six small children, all eating onions and fried fish.

"Answer me a question," I prayed him. "If a person came to you and said rudely, 'Better anything else than sitting here with your head in the domestic halter among the potsherds and puffballs of the old ideals; rather a jolly good row that ends in a fortnight's "hard" than fat-headed, elephant-footed dulness here with your buzzing brood around you!' If a person came to you and said that, what reply would you give him?"

My friend answered never a word; he was out of the window before I had time to walk away; and in a very few moments I received a clear and practical illustration of the sort of reply he would give to such a question.

As for me, I limped home as well as I could, and, when evening fell, and I was done up in brown paper and vinegar, both my eyes gleamed in the evening sun with the iridescent glitter of peacocks' tails.

"FOR THIS RELIEF, MUCH THANKS!"

"Small time, but, in that small, most greatly liv'd This star of England."

Only one more "little war,"--of course, Precipitate pluck, and inadequate force-- Such wars as our England wages At terrible cost in British lives, And orphan children and widowed wives, Whereat, though greatly our glory thrives, Our conscience sometimes rages.

But such little wars may need great hearts, And the wandering heroes who play their parts For England, the wide world over; Fight as well though they fight--and fall-- In a leagured hut, by a shattered wall, As though the purple of WELLINGTON'S pall Each death-cold breast should cover.

We rejoice to hear, though we knew we should, Chitral's defenders again made good The glorious old tradition Of loyalty to the flying flag. Cynics may dub it the torn red rag, But our tongues shall laud, whilst those tongues can wag, That splendid "superstition."

The men who stood, and the men who came O'er ice-bound ridges with hearts aflame, To relieve their leagured brothers, Have all done well; and the tawny skin Of those who helped us to war and win,-- Well, your little Englander's less akin To England than those others!

"For this relief, much thanks!" And thanks To dead, and living, and of all ranks. Forget their service? Never! "Small time," indeed, but as brightly shone "This star of England," as it had done On that stricken field when the lurid sun Of the Corsican sank for ever.

A FIRST STEP

TOWARDS HISTRIONICS.

FILIA PULCHRA, MATER PULCHRIOR.

I loved a girl, divinely sweet, An unsophisticated creature; I did not scruple to repeat She was divine, you could not meet More charms displayed in form and feature.

I loved her youthful grace, her slight And dainty form, an angel's seeming. Crowned by sweet hair, as dark as night, Her face would charm an artist's sight, A poet's thoughts, a lover's dreaming.

I loved her dark and lustrous eyes, Which love might light with glowing passion, Her lips, her neck--you will surmise I wrote her rhymes, all tears and sighs In lovesick versifier's fashion.

I loved her like a childish pet, I felt I could not love another, Until the day when first I met Her widowed mother, charming yet, And now, instead, I love her mother.

I love the woman, for the rose, Full blown, excels the rosebud's beauty, Nor think of girlish charms since those No more inspire my Muse, which shows My Muse is fit for any duty.

I love her, stately as a queen Whom VERONESE might have painted, Blue-eyed, with hair of golden sheen-- That's just the one thing which has been A trouble since we've been acquainted.

I love not charms I loved before, Dark as the night, or, say a hearse is. Now auburn beauty pleases more, My wasted hours I deplore-- I've had to alter all those verses.

EPPING AND OVERSTEPPING.--At a meeting of forest borderers, Wanstead, it was asserted that since the Corporation had had control of the forest, upwards of 100,000 trees had been felled. If true, the members of the Corporation-Epping-Forest-Committee will henceforth be known as "those fellers!"

TO CIRCE.

"If doughty deeds my lady please," Though somewhat old and gouty, The first occasion I will seize Of doing something "doughty"; "If gay attire delights your eye, I'll dight me in array" Which every casual passer-by Will think extremely gay.

"If sweetest sounds can win your ear," I'll cheerfully begin , To learn the violin; In fact, whatever task you set, You'll speedily discover That in the writer you have met A most submissive lover.

I could exemplify the fact Through several extra verses, How I would please, by every act, My kindliest of CIRCE'S; And yet by destiny malign You've happened just to choose The single task which, though divine The bidder, I refuse.

TO A PICTURE.

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