Read Ebook: Punch or the London Charivari Volume 107 October 6 1894 by Various Burnand F C Francis Cowley Editor

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Ebook has 89 lines and 10952 words, and 2 pages

When zephyrs wafted on their way The fragrance of the new-mown hay, Why did I cut my lectures, eh? I wonder!

Why did I moor my punt afar, With claret-cup and choice cigar, Instead of reading for the Bar? I wonder!

Why did the Proctors always frown On meeting me without a gown, And ultimately send me down? I wonder!

Why did the Dons all disagree With my pet views on equity, And plough me for my LL.B.? I wonder!

Why am I now in chambers bare, With nothing much but debts to spare, Cash gone, and credit growing rare? I wonder!

Why do no clients seek my door To profit by my legal lore? Will it be thus for evermore? I wonder!

The New Fashion.

The fashion in hair The ladies now wear Never can last I'll engage: For though, pretty dears, It hideth their ears, It addeth some years to their age.

THE NEW MAN.

He had waited up until two in the morning. He had watched the hands of the clock as they passed round the face from hour to hour. He had put a cloth over the supper, knowing, however, that the meat would be disregarded, and only the brandy and soda-water touched by the expected one. The poor man gazed sadly at the children's toys, the tradesmen's books that were beside him.

"Not home yet," he murmured. "Ah, those dinners at the club!"

Then he considered his past life. He remembered his wedding-day, when it seemed so bright and fair. He was a happy husband, with every prospect of a long life of wedded bliss. He loved and respected his wife, and felt that side by side they could travel along the road of existence without a rock to arrest their progress, without a discordant note to spoil the harmony of their song, until that song had ceased its music in the hush of silence. Tears, suppressed until now, flooded his eyes as he remembered the waning of the honeymoon. He recollected the anxiety of ALICE to get back to town, to be off into the City. Of course he could not follow his wife into her business haunts; it would be immodest--nay, even improper. Still, he had been treated kindly, in a rough, condescending sort of way. He had had a Brougham, and had been allowed to visit his gentlemen friends. He had plenty of chats, and occasionally ALICE had accompanied him round the park. Then he had seen a good deal of his children. His daughter, however, had now gone to school, and his sons were always with their nursery tutor. The clock struck once again. "Three, and not home yet!"

"How can men write of men like this?" he murmured. "I am not surprised that women think badly of us when we thus paint ourselves. Visiting a music-hall with his female cousin! Going to the Zoological Gardens unattended! Oh, BOBBY, BOBBY, what a creation!" Then he started. There was a noise at the street-door, and the sound of scraping on the outside as if a latch-key were vainly seeking the key-hole. Then the portal slowly opened and a cloaked figure lurched rather than walked in.

"Oh ALICE!" cried the frightened husband, wringing his hands in dismay. "Is there anything the matter?"

And then the new-comer entered the dining-room, and there was the sound of the effervescence of soda-water.

The poor husband sighed, mournfully turned off the gas, and went quietly to bed.

"Oh wife," murmured the aggrieved husband, as he mounted the stairs, "you cannot help bringing woe to man, for unless you did so you would not be a woe-man."

And bursting into tears at this sad pleasantry, the poor chap disappeared into the darkness.

COINCIDENCE'S LONG ARM.

NOTTA NEWMAN.

LETTERS FROM A D?BUTANTE.

DEAREST MARJORIE,--It is really quite time you gave me some more of your valuable advice. Thanks to you, I was not such an utter failure in my first season as I expected. After a month at home , I have come to stay again with the LYON TAYMERS at their country house.

ORIEL will be well off, but he intends to spend all his money on founding model slums, where the people are to be teetotallers and do bootmaking or something, and be a happy little colony. ORIEL'S views may necessitate his doing a little cobbling himself--just to set an example. I was enormously impressed by this at first; but I am afraid I have become frivolous again. Some other people have come here, including a nice boy they call BABY BEAUMONT. He is really almost nineteen, but wonderfully well preserved, very clever, and so cynical that he is quite an optimist. Almost directly, he asked me how long I had known ORIEL CRAMPTON. I said about a fortnight. "Ah! then you must be engaged to him. Poor old ORIEL! He's really quite extraordinarily old-fashioned."

"How old is he?" I asked, in faltering tones.

"He has rather a way of pretending to be young, I fancy. But he must be four-and-twenty if he is a day. You need not say I told you."

I am afraid I should not be happy with him. He collects postage stamps, too, which depresses me dreadfully.

Your loving friend,

GLADYS.

THE GENERAL LITERARY REVIEW COMPANY, LIMITED.

CAPITAL ?100,000,000, IN 20,000,000 SHARES OF ?5 EACH.

This Company has been formed to acquire, combine into one, and carry on the various old-established businesses of literary reviewing hitherto carried on separately by Messrs. ANDREW LANG , GRANT ALLEN, W. E. GLADSTONE, H. D. TRAILL, T. P. O'CONNOR, WALTER BESANT, ELKIN MATHEWS, JOHN LANE, Q., A.T.Q.C., QUILLER COUCH, RICHARD LE GALLIENNE, and others. All these gentlemen have consented to act as Directors. The advantages of the scheme are obvious. Hitherto critical opinion, as printed in the daily, weekly, and monthly press, has been so diversified as to make it impossible for the public to form a settled judgment on books. For instance, a work may be described in one place as "possessing in the highest degree the master qualities of brilliant humour and profound pathos"; while, in another notice, published on the same day, it may be condemned as "an essay in stupid buffoonery, which mistakes inversion for paradox, and makes a parade of sentiment as laughable as its efforts at humour are melancholy." It is the intention of the Directors to change all this. Frequent Board-Meetings will be held, at which all books sent for review will be carefully considered, with a view to deciding how they shall be treated. The decisions thus come to will be carried out in a series of articles extending with absolute uniformity over the whole field of contemporary literature.

PROFITS.

BOOMING.

This department will be managed by a paragraphist of unrivalled experience, who will have under his orders a large staff of skilled assistants thoroughly instructed in the use of the new patent mitrailleuse Boomerangs, ten of which will be fixed in the chief office of the Company at No. 1, Log Rolls Yard. Literary shareholders to the amount of ?500 and upwards will be entitled to a preferential boom by way of bonus.

BLUDGEON WORK.

INSURANCE SCHEME.

The Directors propose to organise a scheme of insurance against hostile reviews and obdurate editors. For an annual payment of ?24 an insurer will be entitled to one favourable review during the year; for ?30 he will be absolutely guaranteed against unfavourable criticism. A small yearly payment, varying according to age, will entitle his widow to claim ?1000 at his death upon furnishing a certificate, signed by Mr. BESANT and the family doctor, that he died after reading an unfavourable notice of one of his books. All literary men, however, are recommended to subscribe ?30 a year, thus obtaining a life-long immunity from depreciation.

FEMALE BRANCH.

This will be known as the "George Department," and will be controlled by four new women of advanced views. Cigarettes, latch-keys, and a summary of divorce court proceedings will be kept on the premises. Novels turned out while you wait. Mrs. LYNN LINTON will not be admitted during office hours.

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