Read Ebook: The Book of the Courtier by Castiglione Baldassarre Conte Opdycke Leonard Eckstein Translator

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Ebook has 2527 lines and 135390 words, and 51 pages

had hanged herself on a fig-tree, another man approached him and plucking him by the robe, said: 'Brother, might I as a great favour have a small branch of that fig-tree to graft upon some tree in my garden?'

"Some other witticisms need an air of patience and are slowly uttered with a certain gravity. As where a rustic, who was carrying a box on his shoulders, jostled it against Cato, and then said: 'Have a care.' Cato replied: 'Hast thou aught else but that chest upon thy shoulders?'

"Moreover we laugh when a man has made a blunder, and to mend it says something of set purpose that seems silly and yet tends to the object he has in view, and thus keeps himself in countenance. For instance, in the Florentine Council not long ago there were two enemies, and one of them, who was of the Altoviti family, fell asleep. And although his adversary, who was of the Alamanni family, was not speaking and had not spoken, yet to raise a laugh the man who sat next Altoviti woke him with a touch of the elbow, and said: 'Do you not hear what So and So says? Make answer, as the Signors are asking for your opinion.' Thereupon Altoviti rose to his feet all drowsy as he was, and said without stopping to think: 'My Lords, I say just the opposite of what Alamanni said.' Alamanni replied: 'But I said nothing.' 'Then,' said Altoviti at once, 'the opposite of whatever you may say.'

"Of this kind also was what your Urbino physician, master Serafino, said to a rustic, who had received a hard blow in the eye so that it was forced quite out, yet decided to seek aid from master Serafino. On seeing him, although aware that it was impossible to cure him, still in order to force money from his hands , the doctor readily promised to cure him, and accordingly demanded money from him every day, affirming that he would begin to recover his sight within five or six days. The poor rustic gave what little he had; then, seeing that the affair was progressing slowly, he began to complain of the physician, and to say that he felt no benefit at all and saw no more with that eye than as if he had it not in his head. At last master Serafino, seeing that he would be able to extort little more from the man, said: 'Brother, you must have patience. You have lost your eye and there is no longer any help for it; and may God grant that you do not lose your other eye as well.' On hearing this, the rustic began to weep and complain loudly, and said: 'Master, you have ruined me and stolen my money. I will complain to my lord Duke;' and he made the greatest outcry in the world. Then, to clear himself, master Serafino said angrily: 'Ah, wretched traitor! So you would have two eyes, as city-folk and rich men have? To perdition with you!' and accompanied these words with such fury that the poor rustic was frightened into silence and quietly went his way in peace, believing himself to be in the wrong.

"Another time Rafaello de' Pazzi saw a letter which the Prior of Messina had written to a lady of his acquaintance, the superscription of which read, 'This missive is to be delivered to the author of my woes.' 'Methinks,' said Rafaello, 'this letter is intended for Paolo Tolosa.' Imagine how the bystanders laughed, when everyone knew that Paolo Tolosa had lent the Prior ten thousand ducats, and that he, being a great spendthrift, found no means to repay them.

"Akin to this is the giving of friendly admonition in the form of advice, yet covertly. As Cosimo de' Medici did to one of his friends, who was very rich but of moderate education and who had secured through Cosimo a mission away from Florence. When on setting out the man asked Cosimo what course he thought ought to be taken in order to do well in the mission, Cosimo replied: 'Wear rose-colour, and say little.' Of the same kind was what Count Ludovico said to a man who wished to travel incognito through a certain dangerous place and knew not how to disguise himself; and being asked about it, the count replied: 'Dress like a doctor or some other man of sense.' Again, Gianotto de' Pazzi said to someone who wished to make a jerkin of as varied colours as he could find: 'Imitate the Cardinal of Pavia in word and deed.'

"And we laugh at certain other things that seem to have sequence. As recently, when a friend of ours was suspected of having had the renunciation of a benefice forged, upon another priest's falling sick, Antonio Torello said to our friend: 'Why do you delay to send for that notary of yours and see about filching this other benefice?' Likewise at some things that have no sequence. As the other day, when the pope sent for messer Gianluca da Pontremolo and messer Domenico dalla Porta , and made them auditors, saying that he wished to set the Wheel right,--messer Latino Giovenale said: 'His Holiness is in errour if he thinks to make the Wheel right with two wrongs .'

"Moreover it is a fine thing to use metaphors seasonably in such cases. As when our friend master Marcantonio said to Bottone da Cesena, who was goading him with words: 'Bottone, Bottone, you will one day be the button , and your button-hole will be the halter.' Another time, master Marcantonio having composed a very long comedy in several acts, this same Bottone said to master Marcantonio: 'To play your comedy, all the timber there is in Slavonia will be needed for the setting.' Master Marcantonio replied: 'While for the setting of your tragedy, three sticks will be quite enough.'

"Nor is there less laughter when we reply to something that our interlocutor has not said, or pretend to believe he has done something that he has not but ought to have done. As when Andrea Coscia, having gone to visit a gentleman who rudely kept his seat and left his guest to stand, said: 'Since your Lordship commands me, I will sit down to obey you;' and so sat down.

Reduced from the central part of Braun's photograph of the triple portrait, in the Pitti Gallery at Florence, painted between 1517 and 1519 by Raphael with the assistance of his pupil Giulio Pippi, better known as Giulio Romano, .

"Again, a priest at Milan having died, Biagino Crivello begged his benefice of the Duke, who however was minded to give it to someone else. At last Biagino saw that further argument was of no avail, and said: 'What! After I have had the priest killed, why will you not give me his benefice?'

"It is often amusing also to express desire for those things that cannot be. As the other day, when one of our friends saw all these gentlemen playing at fence while he was lying on his bed, and said: 'Ah, how glad I should be if this too were a fitting exercise for a strong man and a good soldier!'

"Moreover it is an amusing and spicy style of talk, and especially for grave and dignified persons, to reply the opposite of what the person spoken to desires, but slowly and with a little air of doubtful and hesitating deliberation. As was once the case with King Alfonso I of Aragon, who gave a servant weapons, horses and clothes, because the fellow said he had the night before dreamed that his Highness had given him all these things; and again not long afterwards the same servant said he had that night dreamed that the king gave him a goodly sum of gold florins, whereupon the king replied: 'Put no trust in dreams henceforth, because they are not true.' Of like sort also was the pope's reply to the Bishop of Cervia, who said to him in order to sound his purpose: 'Holy Father, it is said all over Rome, and the palace too, that your Holiness is making me governor.' Then the pope replied: 'Let them talk,--they are only knaves. Have no fear there is any truth in it.'

"Then, as to that which is shown in action, although it has numberless forms, it still is comprised under a few heads. But in both kinds the main thing is to cheat expectation and reply otherwise than the hearer looks for; and if the pleasantry is to find favour, it must needs be seasoned with deceit or dissimulation or ridicule or censure or simile, or whatever other style a man chooses to employ. And while pleasantries provoke laughter, yet with this laughter they produce divers other effects: for some contain a certain elegance and modest pleasantness, others a hidden or an open sting, others have a taint of grossness, others move to laughter as soon as they are heard, others the more they are thought of, others make us blush as well as laugh, others rouse a little anger. But in all methods we must consider our hearers' state of mind, for to the afflicted jocosity often brings greater affliction, and there are certain maladies that are aggravated the more medicine is employed.

"Hence if the Courtier pays heed to time, persons and his own rank, in his banter and amusing talk, and uses them not too often , he may be called a man of humour; taking care also not to be so sharp and biting as to be thought spiteful, assailing causelessly or with evident rancour: either those who are too powerful, which is imprudent; or those who are too weak, which is cruel; or those who are too wicked, which is useless; or saying things to offend those he would not offend, which is ignorance. Yet there are some who feel bound to speak and assail recklessly whenever they can, let the consequence be what it may. And among these last, some there are who do not scruple to tarnish the honour of a noble lady, for the sake of saying something humourous; which is a very evil thing and worthy the heaviest punishment, for in this regard ladies are to be numbered among the weak, and so ought not to be assailed, since they have no weapons to defend them.

"Besides these things, he who would be agreeable and amusing must have a certain natural aptitude for all kinds of fun, and must adapt his behaviour, gestures and face accordingly; and the graver and more serious and impassive his face is, the more spicy and keen will he make his sallies seem.

"Nay," replied messer Federico, "I have come to so good an inn that I mean to tarry in it longer than I first intended. So I shall go on taking my ease until you have finished the whole discourse appointed, of which you have left out one part that you mentioned in the beginning--that is, practical jokes; and it is not right for you to cheat the company of this. But as you have taught us many fine things about pleasantries, and have made us bold to use them by the example of so many singular geniuses, great men, princes, kings, and popes,--so too in practical jokes I think you will give us such daring that we shall venture to try some even upon you."

Then messer Bernardo said, laughing:

"You will not be the first; but perhaps you may not succeed, for I have already endured so many of them that I am on my guard against everything, like dogs who are afraid of cold water after once being scalded with hot. However, since you will have me speak of this also, I think I can despatch it in a few words.

"But the occasions that give opportunity for practical jokes are nearly the same as in the case of pleasantries. So not to repeat them, I will merely say that practical jokes are of two kinds, each of which kinds might be further divided into classes. One kind is where anyone is cleverly tricked in a fine and amusing manner; the other is where a net is cast, as it were, and a little bait is offered, so that the victim himself hastens to be tricked.

"Of the first kind was the joke that two great ladies, whom I do not wish to name, lately had played upon them by means of a Spaniard called Castillo."

Then my lady Duchess said:

"And why do you not wish to name them?"

Messer Bernardo replied:

"I would not have them take offence."

My lady Duchess answered, laughing:

"It is not amiss to play jokes now and then even upon great lords. Indeed I have heard of many being played upon Duke Federico, upon King Alfonso of Aragon, upon Queen Isabella of Spain, and upon many other great princes; and they not only did not take offence, but rewarded the perpetrators liberally."

Messer Bernardo replied:

"Not even for the hope of reward will I name those ladies."

"As you please," answered my lady Duchess.

Then messer Bernardo went on to say:

"For instance, I was staying at Paglia one night, and in the same inn where I was there happened to be three companions besides myself , who sat down to play after supper, as men often do. They had not been playing long before one of the two Pistoians lost all he had and was left without a farthing, so that he began to lament and to curse and swear roundly; and he retired to sleep blaspheming thus. After gaming awhile, the other two resolved to play a trick upon the one who had gone to bed. So, making sure that he was really asleep, they put out all the lights and covered the fire; then they began to talk loud and to make as much noise as they could, pretending to quarrel over their play, and one of them said: 'You've drawn the under card;' and the other denied it, saying: 'And you have wagered on four of a suit; let us deal again;' and the like, with such an uproar that the sleeper awoke. And perceiving that his friends were playing and talking as if they saw the cards, he rubbed his eyes a little, and seeing no light in the room, he said: 'What the devil do you mean by shouting all night?' Then he lay back again as if to go to sleep.

"His two friends made no reply, but went on as before; whereat the man began to wonder and seeing that there was really no fire or glimmer of any kind, and that still his friends were playing and quarrelling, he said: 'And how can you see the cards without light?' One of the two replied: 'You must have lost your sight along with your money; don't you see with these two candles we have here?' The man who was abed lifted himself upon his arms, and said rather angrily: 'Either I am drunk or blind, or you are lying.' The two got up and groped their way to the bed, laughing and pretending to think that he was making sport of them; and still he answered: 'I say I do not see you.' Finally the two began to feign great surprise, and one said to the other: 'Alas, methinks he speaks the truth. Hand me that candle, and let us see if perchance there is something wrong with his sight.' Then the poor fellow took it for certain that he had become blind, and weeping bitterly he said: 'Oh my brothers, I am blind;' and he at once began to call on Our Lady of Loreto, and to implore her to pardon the blasphemies and maledictions that he had heaped upon her for the loss of his money. His two companions kept comforting him, and said: 'It can't be that you do not see us; 'tis some fancy you've got into your head.' 'Alas,' replied the other, 'this is no fancy, for I see no more than as if I had never had any eyes in my head.' 'Yet your sight is clear,' replied the two, and one said to the other: 'See how well he opens his eyes! And how bright they are! Who could believe that he doesn't see?' The unhappy man wept more loudly all the while, and begged mercy of God.

"At last they said to him: 'Make a vow to go in penance to Our Lady of Loreto, barefoot and naked, for this is the best remedy that can be found; and meanwhile we will go to Acquapendente and those other places hard by to see some doctor, nor will we fail to do everything we can for you.' Then the poor fellow quickly knelt by his bed, and with endless tears and bitter penitence for his blasphemy he made a solemn vow to go naked to Our Lady of Loreto, and to offer her a pair of silver eyes, and to eat no flesh on Wednesday or eggs on Friday, and to fast on bread and water every Saturday in honour of Our Lady, if she would grant him the mercy of restoring his sight. His two companions went into another room, struck a light, and laughing their very loudest, came back to the unhappy man, who was relieved of his great anguish, as you may imagine, but was so stunned by the terror that he had passed through, that he could neither laugh nor even speak; and his two companions did nothing but tease him, saying that he must fulfil all his vows, because he had obtained the mercy which he sought.

"I know not which was then greatest, my grief, my anger, or my shame. However, as the least of evils, I set out fast for home, and dared not make an appearance the next morning; but the laughter raised by this trick lasted not only the next day, but nearly until now."

"There is another very amusing kind of practical joke, which gives opportunity for pleasantry as well, when we pretend to think that a man wishes to do something which in fact he does not wish to do. For instance, one evening after supper, when I was on the bridge at Lyons and jesting with Cesare Beccadello as we walked along, we began to seize each other by the arm as if we were bent on wrestling, for by chance no one else appeared on the bridge at the time. While we were standing thus, two Frenchmen came up, and on seeing our dispute they asked what the matter was, and stopped to try to separate us, thinking that we were quarrelling in earnest. Then I said quickly: 'Help me, Sirs, for this poor gentleman loses his reason at certain changes of the moon, and you see he is now trying to throw himself off the bridge into the water.' Thereupon these two men ran, and with my aid seized Cesare and held him very tight; and he, telling me all the while that I was mad, tried harder to free himself from their hands, and they held him all the tighter. Thus the passers-by gathered to look at the disturbance, and everyone ran up. And the more poor Cesare struck out with his hands and feet , the more people arrived; and from the great effort that he made, they fully believed he was trying to jump into the river, and on that account held him the tighter. So that a great crowd of men carried him bodily to the inn, all dishevelled, capless, pale with anger and shame; for nothing he said availed him, partly because the Frenchmen did not understand him, and also partly because, as I walked along leading them to the inn, I kept lamenting the poor man's misfortune in being thus stricken mad.

"I remember having known in my time many other amusing men of this sort, and among others a certain Sicilian student at Padua, called Ponzio; who once saw a peasant with a pair of fat capons. And pretending that he wished to buy them, he struck a bargain, and told the fellow to come home with him and get some breakfast besides the price agreed on. So he led the peasant to a place where there was a bell-tower standing apart from its church so that one could walk around it; and just opposite one of the four sides of the tower was the end of a little lane. Here Ponzio, who had already settled what he meant to do, said to the peasant: 'I have wagered these capons with one of my friends, who says that this tower measures quite forty feet around, while I say it does not. And just before I found you, I had bought this twine to measure it. Now, before we go home I wish to find out which of the two has won.' And so saying, he drew the twine from his sleeve, gave one end of it to the peasant, and said: 'Hand them here.' Thereupon he took the capons, and holding the other end of the twine as if he were going to measure, he started to walk around the tower, first making the peasant stay and hold the twine against that side of it which was farthest from the one that looked up the little lane. When he reached this other side, he stuck a nail into the wall, tied the twine to it, and leaving the man there he quietly went off with the capons up the little lane. The peasant stood still a long time waiting for Ponzio to finish the measurement; at last,--after he had several times said: 'What are you doing there so long?'--he went to look, and found that it was not Ponzio who was holding the twine, but a nail stuck in the wall, and that this was all the pay left him for the capons. Ponzio played numberless tricks of this sort.

"There have also been many other men who were amusing in like manner, such as Gonnella, Meliolo in his day, and at the present time our friends Fra Mariano and Fra Serafino here, and many whom you all know. And doubtless this method is well enough for men who have no other business, but I think the Courtier's practical jokes ought to be somewhat farther removed from scurrility. Care must be taken also not to let practical joking degenerate into knavery, as we see in the case of many rogues, who go through the world with sundry wiles to get money, now pretending one thing and now another. Moreover the Courtier's tricks must not be too rude; and above all let him pay respect and reverence to women in this as in all other things, and especially where their honour may be touched."

"Indeed, messer Bernardo, you are too partial towards women. And why would you have men pay more respect to women than women to men? Should not our honour be as dear to us, forsooth, as theirs to them? Do you think that women ought to taunt men with words and nonsense without the least restraint in anything, and that men should quietly endure it and thank them into the bargain?"

Then messer Bernardo replied:

"I do not say that in their pleasantries and practical jokes women ought not to use towards men the same respect which we have before described; but I do say they may taunt men with unchastity more freely than men may taunt them. And this is because we have made unto ourselves a law, whereby free living is in us neither vice nor fault nor disgrace, while in women it is such utter infamy and shame that she of whom evil is once spoken is disgraced forever, whether the imputation cast upon her be false or true. Wherefore, since speaking of women's honour brings such risk of doing them grievous harm, I say we ought to attack them in some other way, and to abstain from this; because to strike too hard with our pleasantries and practical jokes, is to exceed the bounds that we have before said are befitting a gentleman."

"My lord Gaspar might answer you that this law you refer to, which we have made unto ourselves, is perhaps not so unreasonable as it seems to you. For since women were very imperfect creatures and of little or no worth in comparison with men, and since of themselves they were not capable of performing any worthy act,--it was necessary by fear of shame and infamy to lay upon them a restraint that might impart some quality of goodness to them almost against their will. And chastity seemed more needful for them than any other quality, in order to have certainty as to our offspring; hence it was necessary to use every possible skill, art and way to make women chaste, and almost to permit them to be of little worth in all things else and to do constantly the reverse of what they ought. Therefore, since they are allowed to commit all other faults without blame, if we taunt them with those defects which are all permitted to them and therefore not incongruous in them, and of which they take no heed,--we shall never arouse laughter; for you said awhile ago that laughter is aroused by certain things that are incongruous."

"You speak thus of women, my lord Ottaviano, and then you complain that they love you not."

"I do not complain of this," replied my lord Ottaviano, "but rather thank them in that they do not, by loving me, force me to love them. Nor am I speaking my own mind, but saying that my lord Gaspar might use these arguments."

Messer Bernardo said:

"Verily it would be a great gain to women if they could conciliate two such great enemies of theirs as you and my lord Gaspar are."

"I am not their enemy," replied my lord Gaspar, "but you are indeed an enemy of men; for if you would not have women taunted as to their honour, you ought also to impose on them a law that they shall not taunt men for that which is as shameful to us as unchastity is to women. And why was not Alonso Carillo's retort to my lady Boadilla as seemly in him, as it was for her to say that all who knew him thought the king was about to have him hanged? And why was it not as allowable for Riciardo Minutoli to deceive Filippello's wife and get her to go to that resort, as for Beatrice to make her husband Egano get out of bed and be cudgelled by Anichino, after she had long been with the latter? And for that other woman to tie a string to her toe and make her husband believe that she was someone else?--since you say that these women's pranks in Giovanni Boccaccio are so clever and fine."

"My Lords, as my task was simply to discuss pleasantries, I do not mean to go outside my subject. And I think I have already told why it does not seem to me befitting to attack women in their honour either by word or deed, and have imposed on them as well a rule that they shall not touch men in a tender spot.

"As for the pranks and sallies cited by you, my lord Gaspar, I grant that although what Alonso said to my lady Boadilla may touch a little on her chastity, it still does not displease me, because it is very remote, and is so veiled that it may be taken innocently, and the speaker might disguise his meaning and declare he had not meant it. He said another that was to my thinking very unseemly. And it was this: as the queen was passing my lady Boadilla's house, Alonso saw the door all blackened with pictures of those indecencies that are painted about inns in such variety; and turning to the Countess of Castagneta, he said: 'There, my Lady, are the heads of the game that my lady Boadilla slays in hunting every day.' You see that while the metaphor is clever and aptly borrowed from hunters , yet it is scurrilous and disgraceful. Besides which, it was not an answer to anything; for it is far less rude to say a thing by way of retort, because then it seems to have been provoked and needs must be impromptu.

"Returning, however, to the subject of tricks played by women, I do not say they do well to deceive their husbands, but I say that some of those deceptions are fine and very clever, and especially those which you yourself told. But in my opinion the trick played by Riciardo Minutoli goes too far, and is much more heartless than the one played by Beatrice; because Riciardo Minutoli did much greater wrong to Filippello's wife than Beatrice did to her husband Egano, for by his deception Riciardo forced the woman's will and made her do with herself something that she did not wish to do, while Beatrice deceived her husband in order that she might do with herself something that pleased her."

"Beatrice can be excused on no other plea than that of love, which ought to be allowed in the case of men as well as in that of women."

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