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PLEASE PASS THE CREAM

A COMEDY

BY CHARLES NEVERS HOLMES

CHICAGO T. S. DENISON & COMPANY PUBLISHERS

PLEASE PASS THE CREAM

COSTUMES.

PROPERTIES.

All listed in description of stage setting.

STAGE DIRECTIONS.

PLEASE PASS THE CREAM

MRS. CLARK . I wish you wouldn't say "it don't," John. That isn't grammatical!

MR. CLARK . It ain't--why isn't it?

MR. C. . I dunno, Martha. I never was much good at mental arithmetic.

MR. C. . All right, Martha. I won't use that word no more.

MR. C. . But what is a knife for if it isn't to eat with?

MR. C. . No, Martha, a fork is the proper instrument with which to convey a piece of meat from one's plate to one's mouth.

MR. C. . No, ma'am! Still, it's ever so much easier to eat with my knife than with my fork.

MR. C. . Yet I've read somewhere--I know I have--that George Washington ate with his knife in the same way that I did.

MRS. C. . Oh, well, forks were not invented then.

MR. C. . They never should have been invented. Fingers are ever so much better than forks.

MR. C. . Really I can't see why an honest hungry man should be ashamed of eating with his knife.

MR. C. . I wish that Mrs. James's husband would pay that 0 he has owed me for a year.

MR. C. . Well, when a dozen other gentlemen of high social position have each owed me a hundred dollars for more than a year I don't feel so proud of Mr. James's owing me a hundred plunks.

MR. C. . If you only was a man for a minute!

MRS. C. . Mr. Clark, please remember that I am Mrs. Clark.

MRS. C. . Don't you think you had better drink your coffee? It must be getting cool.

MR. C. . Well, because you are Mrs. Clark doesn't give you any right to nag me.

MR. C. . It's too blamed bad that a man can't speak as he wants to in his own home.

MR. C. . What do you mean by our best society, Martha?

MR. C. . No, Martha, this coffee is all right; but haven't you forgotten something?

MRS. C. . What is it I have forgotten?

MR. C. . Martha, I never knew before that milk comes from cream.

MRS. C. . That was a slip of my tongue.

MR. C. . Yes, just as when you say that this pitcher contains cream.

MR. C. . Well, what has politeness to do with it, anyway? If it's milk in the glass it will be milk when it's in the pitcher.

MR. C. . I suppose that if that pitcher contained only water it could be called cream!

MRS. C. . I am sorry, John, that you have had to call for assistance, but Mrs. Williams will, I am sure, wholly agree with me.

MR. C. . Well, I was brought up on a farm and I ought to know the difference between milk and cream.

MRS. C. . I guess you were brought up on a farm all right.

MR. C. . After all, Martha, I think I'll have some coffee. Will you please pass me the milk?

MR. C. . Martha, will you please pass me the--milk?

MR. C. . Hold on! That is Grandmother Smith's old cream-pitcher!

CURTAIN.

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES:

Obvious typographical errors have been corrected.

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