Read Ebook: The Philistine: a periodical of protest (Vol. I No. 2 July 1895) by Various Taber Harry Persons Editor

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But in their hearts they knew, "He hath the better fare-- Guy, Lord of Lanturlaire And Lanturlu."

G. F. W.

A FREE LUNCH LEAGUE.

Before George Du Maurier created the one complaisant female who is admitted into all the good society of Europe and America he achieved some fame as the author of a recipe for keeping peace in families. The good wife was to apply the prescription, and it read "Feed the Brute." Whether this meant to keep a good cook or to cater to the element in human nature which the paradox of civilization constantly brings into abnormal prominence among the overwrought people Mr. Du Maurier describes, is not clear. The man as a whole or his grosser nature may be the brute referred to. But the policy of feeding the unidentified fauna of Mr. Du Maurier's world is in no doubt. Modern custom has settled the most direct road to satisfaction of the men and women who compose society. You may see its sign boards at any formal social meeting, and they all point to the dining room.

Mrs. Moor Gage lives in the suburbs. It is the proper place to live--if you can. She has neighbors and likes them. She calls, swaps cards with the ladies, imbibes a little hot water, and then gets along where her social position requires somebody should be fed. She is just as good as Mrs. Taxsale on the other avenue, so hospitality alone won't fill the bill. A caterer must mince this dinner. Mr. Moor Gage must perspire later on, but now is feeding time. At much expense the food is arranged for. At more expense virgin dresses must be gotten together, if all hands stitch and try on till the hour the dinner comes. When they are gone, feeders and fed draw one breath of content. "It's all over."

Or, is it a reception. The hospitality is all in the front of the house. That's where the receiving party are. But the procession doesn't linger there. It moves rearward. The animals are to be fed. If one doubts the sincerity of this movement let him recall the comments of those who "couldn't get to the dining room" at the last distribution of eatables.

Of course when Mrs. Taxsale opens her larder to her friends she will have a little better "stuff"--they really do call it by that name in competent society--and so the auction goes on. Sometimes card parties and other social efforts not primarily connected with digestion get mixed up with catering. The result is usually disastrous. Bidding gets too high for some of the members. The bargain day pace is too fast. There ends the card club.

There are persons, here and there, who think there is something finer than feeding in courtesy. They are Philistines. They object to materialism, even when it swamps only the things of this world. It is also reported, on somewhat vague evidence, that refined literary people are not so given to feeding as the common folks of Mr. Du Maurier's world. It is to bear a suggestion to these that this is written. Literary persons being functionally the makers of custom have a great glory within easy reach. Let them crystallize their scattered atoms of protest in an Anti Free Lunch League. It may take some self denial, but there is the compensating pleasure of mutual admiration when they gather at a call like this:

Contemplation of the infinite fall will take the place of supper in a most edifying way. It is to be presumed that literary people have had something to eat at home.

The segregation of society thus begun will leave the materialists who compose its majority to follow out their instincts, and it will be reasonable to look for a vast improvement in eating entertainments in consequence. Mrs. Moor Gage and Mrs. Taxsale will then be freer to advertise their attractions--as thus:

"H. L." means hot lunch, which may be varied indefinitely. It is plainly a great improvement on "Dancing at 9." You get dancing everywhere. Specifications may be introduced. For those who don't like bread pencils and ice cream shingles something more solid may be put on the bill of fare, which will in time serve as the invitation also.

The suggestion is made in the interest of sincerer living. If we are to "feed the brute," why not say so?

W. M.

THE NEW HAHNEMANN.

The taste for literature in homeopathic doses seems to be growing. If this thing keeps on, the time may come when knowledge will be put up like pills or wafers or tablets. And a great convenience it would be to the busy sons of American toil. If one wished to prepare an article on some historical subject, for instance, he could buy a box of Motley's American Pills or Gibbon's Roman Tablets, and take one after another until the requisite amount of historical information were absorbed. It would also be pleasant, if a gentle titillation of the literary senses were desired, to buy a few Richard Harding Davis wafers and lie down to delightful dreams. Or in case one's conscience became unusually obstreperous, he could take Biblical tabules till his system was soaked with sanctity. If one's pessimism were temporarily upmost, he could find plenty of Nordau's pillules to help him enjoy his misery while the fit lasted. It's a great scheme. Methinks the dim distant future holds a publisher's announcement similar to this:

"SOME IMPRESSIONS AND A FIT."

A FEW CRITICISMS.

HERBERT L. BAKER.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE DEVIL.

It is only during inclement weather that writers who cannot command the oracular and prophetic freedom, which is the proud possession of the morning and evening journals, can hope to gain even the smallest audience; for the masses are more hungry for facts which lie, than for the truth, or even those fine fantasies that afford us some surcease of wide-open eyed sorrow. If this paper is ever read at all, it should be read in gloomy weather. Indeed, it is intended to be read on a gray day, as it was written on a wild night. Only very robust imaginations feel the fascination or the eternal questions of life and death in the wide ample world of broad, white sunlight; for their animal spirits get the better of their reason. In rainy weather we writers flatten our noses against the panes of strange windows, lost to all sense of propriety, in the wild hope that some one within is reading one of our amusing works. In the case of the present writer, however, it is all proper to say that he has suffered disillusionment so often that he has espoused a chill dignity, and sits at home and reads his own works in a spirit of grim appreciation. Indeed, accepting the appalling vacuity of the million noisy heads as an incurable fact--a fact that should chasten the vanity of those whose hopes and ambitions and thought are borne and blown hither and thither, like puff-balls upon the acclaiming wind of ten thousand pairs of lungs--it may be said with perfect propriety that it is nothing less than impertinence for any writer, who aims to rise above the biting lechery of the common imaginations, to expect to find readers under clear skies. Even the midsummer sun, which is surely innocent of any such evil intention, seems to only ripen distracting noises in the minds of the vast majority sunk in the turgid mean of commonplace; for how many good souls can be bothered with anything more abstract than the very latest soggy novel, just hot and dirty from the press, in sunshiny weather? Even moonshine is wasted upon all but those feather-brains on the lookout for ghosts.

And it may be noted, although it is not strictly relevant, that, with the multiplication of periodicals of one sort and another, even stormy weather is beginning to fail the few writers in our day who are audacious enough to still cling to the old ambitions of letters, in spite of worldly prudence and all the warnings of the literary tip-staffs who infallibly know "the market"--for in the periodical world it is raining hot-baked sensations and novelties every hour in the twenty-four--the depressing vulgar commonplaces that have made up the round of human existence from the dawn of history and always will. But we must make up our minds to accept this as one of the small ironies of life: thought is smothered in an immense spawn of crocodile words. The newspapers we have always with us; and they succeed in making such an unceasing and damnable din that only an insignificant minority of exceptionally cool heads can hear themselves think.

It is worthy of remark that the printing press has contributed in no small degree toward driving the Devil out of orthodox theology. This is a fact, although Atheists, Rationalists and Materialists claim the credit of it. Indeed, His Eminence confessed to me, over a bottle of Lachryma Christi at the Theological Club, that he was completely discouraged, and he announced that he was revolving in his mind the expediency of abandoning the long and honorable career, which he has enjoyed in the polity of human life. He said that he had found his old-fashioned and painstaking tortuous methods of depraving men's minds suddenly rendered absolutely puerile, ridiculous and contemptible by comparison with the unwearied and stupendous operations of the steam-presses of journalism. The meeting depressed me greatly; for whatever opinions other folk may profess to hold of the Devil, the more sober imaginations, the humorous writers, will always be glad to testify to the ungrudged and inestimable services he has continually rendered them in their arduous and ill-paid calling. I have since learned definitely that the Devil was in good earnest, and has retired into a voluntary exile, whence endless deputations of learned, suppliant, apologetic and furious theologians have endeavored to coax him, but entirely in vain. He has abdicated, he replies steadfastly, forever; and the desperate situation of the theologians, whose calling and character is seriously imperiled by his obstinacy, leaves him perfectly unmoved. He declares he has been long abandoned by those who flourished upon the pleasantries which he devised to make life amusing, and being under no sort of moral obligation to ingrates who have publicly held his name and character in abhorrence, he cheerfully abandons them to their wretched fate. He himself is humbled; let them taste of his bitterness, as they have shared in his prosperity, without any honest acknowledgment of his benefaction. He is still great enough to preserve his dignity; let them preserve their own as best they can. And this ought not to be a difficult business; for there are still a multitude of fools in the world, and any new noisy dogma is not more than twenty-four hours old before a million credulous heads believe it embodies the immanent truth of the universe. Such subtle wits as the theologians, and those whom they serve, can assuredly find a way out of the mire of misfortune, as the multitude is always hospitable to miracle workers, though deaf and blind to facts and truth.

The Devil himself, however, has discovered the ironies of the ambition that can only prosper upon the folly of fools. He recognizes the omnipotence of his rivals, the omniscient journalists, in this vineyard, and is content to let them discover in due time that wisdom does not consist in the counting of noses, and that mere bawdy optimism brings its own dissatisfaction. And, moreover, in retiring, the Devil is sustained by the firm conviction that his old laborious schemes for the befuddlement and bewilderment and corruption of mankind will not only be ably continued, but improved and surpassed in subtlety and thoroughness by these audacious and unscrupulous successors. So his decision is irrevocable; he has abdicated forever. Emulation would but emphasize the futile and ludicrous pretensions of his old ingrate protegees, the theologians; and the Devil is not ungenerous, even in misfortune, even to those base hypocrites who have enjoyed his protection and reviled him. Then, retirement with dignity is better than embittered ambition and a fall without dignity. As he points out--and those who have known him in better days should assuredly sustain him in his noble and philosophic humility, so rare among the great of fallen fortunes--it is worse than useless for him to labor painfully to cultivate a deep and stirring delight in original sin in one promising little urchin, spending weary days and anxious and tender solicitude on the hard benches of the public schools, when the great and omniscient newspaper press can at any given moment set a whole nation, or even the whole civilized world, crawling upon all fours, nosing and wallowing in filth. Only a few aboriginal tribes escape, and the Devil does not deem these worthy of cultivation, since civilization is encroaching upon them and their days are already numbered.

The Devil was always notoriously an abandoned pessimist, and his dismal view of the outcome of the great modern passion for literacy is probably due to disappointed ambition and malevolence; for, granting all the suffocating triviality and vulgarity of the Sabbatical literature dished up in the seventh day's newspapers, it must always in strict justice be remembered that long and beautiful abstracts of sermons of soporific platitude, and charmingly convincing illogic, appear regularly in the Monday morning issues. And so optimists may feel that the morals of civilization are safe.

But, on the other hand, evil tongues cannot be silenced. If the accumulation of facts were not such a patently depraved, atrabilious and libellous business, there would be fewer cynics, and cheerful, good natured optimism would expire for want of that venomous opposition which contracts hopeless stupidity into stony and barren virtue. Epigrams would become dissipated in the most undivided passion for truth, in order to diffuse it again into commonness among eager and hungry ears; but the fact is, these ears are now enamored of such noises as cost them no sort of intellectual effort.

It may as well be stated here that the Devil has somehow lost a great deal of his popularity in the congregations of the elect, through the continual assaults of Philistines and the unfortunate discovery of natural facts, that have taken catastrophe out of the Devil's hands and transferred it to the domain of inflexible and insensible law. But the moral cowardice revealed in this abandonment of the Devil is certainly pathetic. Yet we must remember that it is ever so--for the people who turn on us first are the ones we have most benefited. And this seems to be one of Nature's devices for diverting our energies into new channels of well doing.

WALTER BLACKBURN HARTE.

SIDE TALKS WITH THE PHILISTINES: BEING SUNDRY BITS OF WISDOM WHICH HAVE BEEN HERETOFORE SECRETED, AND ARE NOW SET FORTH IN PRINT.

To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.

There is a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to cast stones and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; a time to rend and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace.

I have seen the tribulation that God has given to the sons of men; yet He has made everything beautiful in its time: and I know that there is no good but for a man to rejoice and to do the good that he can in life: and I would have every man eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of his labor, for this is the gift of God.

Our neighboring city of Buffalo is to be congratulated. The International League of Press Clubs will convene there next summer. A plumber who was accidentally blackballed by the Buffalo club writes me that they will come "some in rags and some in jags."

It may be guessed at a venture, there being no authority except that nebulous tyranny that controls all matters of feminine custom, that the difficulty would be met in some measure if the fair wheelers did not have to get off the machine in public view. Even a man is apt to be embarrassed when he walks the pavement with a clamp around his nether drapery, both looking and feeling as if he had been through burdocks and come away loaded. It is of easy recollection how one feels on the board walk with clinging garments that were all right in the water a moment ago. The ladies might be willing to wear knickerbockers--and they ought to be told that in nothing else would they look so well--if by some contrivance a fall of drapery sheltered the too-freely evidenced pedestals of beauty when off the wheel. What Felix will invent such a curtain and a way of keeping it out of the way when not wanted? Here is an opening for genius--and a beneficent one, for by such devices is civilization advanced.

A newspaper that does much show printing announces in big headlines: "A Woman Clown. The Only One Is With Barnum and Bailey." Barnum and Bailey reside in different climates just now. That "only" woman clown must be as ubiquitous as Sydney Smith's Scot.

The Boston Woman's Rescue League has the champion non sequitur. The league is against bicycling by women, and announces the startling discovery that "thirty per cent of the girls that have come to the Rescue League for aid were bicycle riders at one time." Probably one hundred per cent of the same were innocent girls at one time. Maybe it was when they biked.

I understand there's a movement in the Back Bay gravel pit of Boston, Mass., to abolish the word "Mr." on calling cards. Some of the three-named have been a little crowded for space, perhaps, or it may be that they dimly realize that it isn't good taste to call oneself by a complimentary title. Some clergymen refuse to sign "Rev." before their names, or put it in parenthesis as if to have it beyond their personal reach, as New England ladies write "" and others "". Good Philistines need not be told that Mr. means Master and is a compliment in the second person. It is of a piece with lifting the hat, theoretically a helmet, to the person whom you respect. That was the old time vote of confidence. You thus expressed the belief that he wouldn't brain you with a broadsword at the first opportunity. Giving the hand was another token of disarmament as a mark of confidence. Bowing the head also invited the knightly salute with any convenient weapon. With this went a more or less sincere confession of his imputed power. You called him "master," which became "mister" by corruption. Our imitative good society has forgotten the meaning of the thing it imitates, as usual. Our ready-made coats of arms seldom fit. He that is greatest calls himself servant, according to good authority, and not master. Even Beacon Hill and the adjacent desert seems to have come to a realization of the fact. We may look for the cards of John De Smythe Smythe or Perkins Hopkinson Revere with Mr. in brackets or omitted one of these days.

"Mamma," said seven-year-old, in the suburbs, "when will somebody's house or somebody's barn burn up?"

"I don't know," said mamma, "I hope never. But I suppose they will sometime."

"Well," said the son, with a sigh, "it's an awful long time since we had a good fire."

Thus we see that even calamity may furnish entertainment for the simple and sincere.

Several mighty and high church bishops in this country are out against "the new woman." It is noted that they don't say anything against "the old woman" in general or in particular.

Now that Mrs. Cady Stanton has launched her Woman's Bible, let her prepare to enter a woman's heaven. The men won't be in it.

On what ought to be very good authority I am told that if the women who wheel adopt knickerbockers, there will be more care of the female infants of the next generation. Some of the ladies who most strongly object to the advanced and advancing style are said to have good reasons in the matter of physical conformation. I know parents who are very careful not to let their boy babies stand alone too early, fearing bow legs. Perhaps the parents of the future will be equally careful about their girlies, in view of the changing fashion in nether drapery.

Apropos of this, I know a very pleasant little lady--pleasant, but thin--whose brother is a sad wag. "Adelaide," he said to her last Tuesday, "if you wear those new knickerbockers of yours out on the street, you'll get yourself arrested for having no visible means of support."

It is asserted that Mr. George A. Hibbard is perfectly serious.

I have received through Messrs. Funk & Wagnalls, publishers of a Methodist dictionary and other works of erudition and vital piety, an invitation to vote aye on a large number of changes of words in common use--mostly in the fonetic direction. Simplicity is the apparent aim. There is a good deal of retrospect in the list. Some of the spellings that were licked out of us when we were boys seem like old friends come back to ask our pardon. The old days are with us when we are told to spell "skul," for example. The evisceration of sacred words is a little arbitrary. "Savior" is spelt without the full-mouthed British "u," dear to every lover of the Prayer Book, but Antichrist isn't economized at all. "Pel-mel" looks it, if a word ever did. "Graf" is something to be guessed at, and one may ask if "adulterin" is something to eat. The fonetix didn't reach Czar, or perhaps our M. E.--me friends are respecters of persons. However, they shortened "pontiff" by an "f," and I wouldn't be surprised if His Holiness masqueraded as "Pop" in the next circular. It is interesting, if not impressive, this reform--like the abbreviation of bicycle clothes and the sending of bad writing by wire.

Mrs. Robert Humphrey Elsmere Ward has quit twaddling for a space. "Bessie Costrell" is ended, and it's a toss up between jubilate and nunc dimittis.

The amazing thing about that Amazing Marriage is the lot of talk the proof reader has read about it.

Tarbell discovered Napoleon, but McClure discovered Tarbell. Now let's have a series of living documents--"Tarbell at 8," "Tarbell at 9:30," "Tarbell at 46," etc.

THE SPOTTED SPRINTER.

AFTER THE MANNER OF MR. STEAMIN' STORK.

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