Read Ebook: The works of Mr. Thomas Brown serious and comical : in prose and verse with his remains in four volumes compleat; vol. II by Brown Thomas

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Upon this basis you rais'd a popular esteem to yourself for being a wealthy man, and a cunning one, and as I have since heard, daily improv'd your riches as honestly as you got it; and by changing broad money into less, made your sums the larger: a pretty sort of a paradox, that a man by diminution should raise an increase: but the deed was darker than the saying, yet both very intelligible to money'd citizens in the age you live in. It is no great wonder, if rightly consider'd, that a man of your dealing should acquire such vast riches, since you were so well belov'd by your under agents, that scarce a sessions pass for seven years together, but one or other was hanged for the propagation of your interest, whilst yourself stood secure behind a bulwark of full bags, that skreen'd your person from the law, and your reputation from the danger of common slander.

I fear you are grown too bulky in estate to be long-liv'd in prosperity, you are a well-fed fish to be caught nibbling at the bait, and abundance of great men are angling for you; if you are once hamper'd by the hook, you will not shake yourself off easily: and methinks it's pity a man that, I have some reason to say, has got an estate knavishly, should ever run the hazard of losing it foolishly; but preserve it according to the custom of the city, to build an alms-house after your decease, that may maintain about the thousandth part of as many people when he is dead, as he has cheated when he was living.

BLACKWELL.

Who would ever be a servant, if it were not for the hopes of being at one time or other as good a man as his master? It's the thoughts of bettering our own conditions without danger, that makes a man submit with patience to a servile subjection: but he that can govern his master, will never truly obey him; and he that finds he can outwit him, will be no longer his fool. Nature made us freemen alike, and gave us the whole world to seek our fortunes in; and he that by either wit, strength or industry, can straddle over the back of another, has the riding him for his pains. If one man that is poor, worms a rich man out of his estate, it is but changing condition with one another, and the world in general is not a jot the worse for it: besides, in most mens opinions, he best deserves an estate that has cunning enough to get one, and wit enough to keep it when he has got it. I know no injustice but what is punishable by the laws of the land; and if I can acquire an estate, tho' fifty men starve for it, that the laws will protect me in, I think myself as rightfully possess'd as any man in the kingdom: he that is bubbled out of an estate will certainly fall under the character of a fool; and he that gets one will be as surely suspected for a knave; no man enjoys the reputation of an honest man, but he who bribes the world by courtesies into that opinion of him; and he who, like myself, scorns to be at the charge of purchasing on't, shall be sure never to enjoy the character. Honesty and courage may be said to stand upon one bottom, for all men would derogate from both, and be knaves and cowards if they durst; for its the fear of being piss'd upon by every body, that makes men fight soberly; and the fear of punishment that makes men live honestly; yet a politick coward often passes for a brave man for want of being try'd; and an arrant knave, for want of opportunity for a very honest fellow.

You blame me for building my own welfare out of your ruin, and charge me with knavery for taking the advantage of your folly; I am of that old opinion, that all mankind are either fools or knaves; and it is a maxim in my politicks, that he who will not be a knave, the world will make a fool of him. One man's oversight is always another's gain. How then can you condemn me for laying hold of that opportunity, which your weakness gave me as a tryal of my wit? and had I neglected making a true use of it to my own advantage, I had made myself a greater fool than he who trusted a single man's honesty with so large a temptation. Could you have kept your estate in your own power, how great was your indiscretion to deliver it into mine? and since I found, when I had it in my custody, I could secure it to myself, beyond the power of the law to recover it, how foolish shou'd I have been to have omitted the opportunity? in short, I am very well satisfyed at the usage I gave you, no check of conscience do I yet find that inclines me to repentance; but am heartily resolv'd, thro' the course of my life, never to let slip so luscious an advantage.

CHARLES DUNCOMBE.

HENRY PURCEL.

BLOW.

The next fresh acquaintance she contracted, she would never suffer to wait upon her at her lodgings, other ways dress'd than in female apparel; so when a new fit of jealousy put her spark upon purging her conscience upon oath, as I have a soul to be sav'd, says she, no creature in breeches but yourself has been near me since you had knowledge of it; therefore why, my dear, should you harbour such ill thoughts of a woman that loves you as dearly as I do my beads and crucifix? thus, tho' she deceiv'd him as often as she had opportunity, yet her discretion kept all things in such admirable decorum, that I never knew any of the fair sex, except yourself, like her.

A. BEHN.

Alack a-day! what a pernicious age do you live in? that traders should trust one another to buy their commodities, and all to save the expence of brokerage. I fear, there are some instruments among yourselves, that have been the main occasion of your being thus neglected. I shall further proceed, to give you a little advice, which, if but duly observ'd, may, I hope, in a little time, recover the antient state of bawdery into a flourishing condition, and make it once more as reputable a calling, as it was when clergymens widows, and decay'd ladies at court, did not disdain to follow it.

Always have a lodging separate from your house, in a place of credit; where, upon an occasion, you may entertain the parents without being suspected, and corrupt the minds of their children before they know your employment: you must first pour the poison in at their ears, infect their thoughts, and when their fancies begin to itch, they will have their tails rubb'd in spite of the devil.

Never admit common faces into your domestick seraglio, 'tis a scandal to your family, a dishonour to your function, and will certainly spoil your trade; but ply close at inns upon the coming in of waggons, and gee-ho-coaches, and there you may hire fresh country wenches, sound, plump, and juicy, and truly qualified for your business.

Whatever you do, never trust any of your tits into an inn of court, or inn of chancery, for if you do they will certainly harass her about from chamber to chamber, till they have rid her off her legs; elevate her by degrees, from the ground-floor to their garrets, and make her drudge like a landress, thro' a whole stair-case; and after a good weeks work, send her home with foul linnen, torn heed-geer, rumbled scarf, apparel spew'd upon, without fan, with but one glove, no money, and perhaps a hot tail into the bargain.

This advice for the present, if put in practice, I hope will prove of use to you; I must tell you, there is nothing to be done in the world you live in, without cunning; religion itself, without policy, is too simple to be safe; therefore, if you do but take care for the future and deal by the world, as a woman of your station ought to do, and play your cards like a gamestress, I don't at all question, but the mystery of bawding, by your good management, may be rais'd again, in spite of reformation, to its pristine eminency; which are the hearty wishes of,

CRESWELL.

Your Loving Sister,

MOLL QUARLES.

LETTERS

FROM THE

I was forc'd to break off my last abruptly, by reason of the vast crowds of people, which press'd upon me then for advice, so that I could not present you with a full catalogue of my cures, which you will find at the conclusion of this, or acquaint you with what transactions of moment have lately happen'd in our gloomy regions. But having by miracle a vacant hour or two at present upon my hands, which, by the by, is a blessing I am seldom troubled with, I was resolv'd not to neglect so fair a opportunity of paying my respects to you, and therefore without any more preface or formality, will continue the thread of my narration.

I had no sooner publish'd my bill and catalogue of cures, but my house has been crouded ever since with prodigious shoals of patients, that I can hardly afford myself an hour to pass with my friends: they flock from all corners of this gigantic city, so that sometimes not only my court-yard which is very large and spacious, but even my chamber, my anti-chamber, and if you'll allow me, gentlemen, to coin a new word, my pro-anti-chamber, or my hall, is full of them: I will only tell you the names of a few customers of quality that resorted to me for advice yesterday morning: to give you an idea of my business, and how considerable 'tis like to prove.

GIUSIPPE HANESIO.

CERTAMEN EPISTOLARE,

The ARGUMENT.

And now, Sir, you'll ask me, I suppose, what I mean by declaming thus againgst ingratitude, any more than simony or sacrilege, or any other sin whatever; and particularly how this comes to affect you? Why, Sir, don't be so hasty, I beseech you, and you'll soon be satisfied.

Now, Sir, having a great regard to mother university, and likwise being desirous to prevent farther effusion of christian money, I make it my humble request to you to speak to the aforesaid gentleman, that he would send me the sum of five pounds with all expedition; and in so doing you will in a most particular manner oblige,

W. H.

Since you were so wonderfully kind in your last letter, as out of your great liberality to honour me with some of your own directions, I am resolv'd not to be behind-hand with you in point of courtesy, and therefore recommend the following rules to your consideration.

If this character may be of any service to you, I shall heartily rejoice, it being my highest ambition to approve my self,

I believe, Sir, you might have writ to a thousand and a thousand dead men, who would never have given themselves the trouble to answer your letters, or have been so communicative of their secrets as you have found me; but, Sir, I scorn to act under-board. And if this don't satisfy all your doubts, I can only wish I had you here with me, to give you farther conviction.

Dialogues of the DEAD.

The Scene HELL.

But, my lords, when none of these, our loyal vassals, are abroad, 'tis not strange that I am to seek in the cause of this great concourse at our tribunal; and, therefore, that virtue, for want of reward and due praise, may not slacken, we will examine to what industrious friend we owe this unexpected success; wherefore, you minor devils and under-officers of our court, bring them in order to the bar, and let no devil of honour, that has past that inferior office of touching the uncleanness of humanity, defile himself with too near an approach to any of them.

Speak, criminal, whence thou art? Of what nation, quality, or condition in the world? And what's the happy cause of thy coming hither?

writings of their ill got estates be for their food. Scoundrels, that had no more sense, than after they had cheated so many wise and honest men, to suffer themselves to be abus'd by women! away with them, away with them.

IN A

DIALOGUE

BETWEEN

FOOTNOTES:

Scarron.

Scarron.

Scarron.

Don Carlos.

West-Indies.

England.

as it is as present> as it is at present

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