Read Ebook: The Little Review April 1916 (Vol. 3 No. 2) by Various Anderson Margaret C Editor

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Ebook has 305 lines and 27524 words, and 7 pages

Images of the original pages are available through the American Memory Collection of the Library of Congress. For "Lawing and Jawing" see http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/S?ammem/hurstonbib:@field) For "Forty Yards" see http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/S?ammem/hurstonbib:@field) For "Woofing" see http://memory.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/S?ammem/hurstonbib:@field)

THREE PLAYS

Lawing and Jawing Forty Yards Woofing

Zora Neale Hurston

LAWING AND JAWING

TIME: Present

PLACE: Way cross Georgia

SCENE: Judge Dunfumy's Court.

PERSONS: Judge Dunfumy, Officer Simpson and another, Jemima Flapcakes, Cliff Mullins, John Barnes, two lawyers, a clerk, a pretty girl and her escort.

SETTING: Usual court-room arrangement, except that there is a large red arrow pointing off-stage left, marked "To Jail."

ACTION: At rise everybody is in place except the Judge. Suddenly the CLERK looks off-stage right and motions for everybody to rise. Enter the JUDGE. He wears a black cap and gown and has his gavel in his hand. The two POLICEMEN walk behind him holding up his gown. He mounts the bench and glares all about him before he seats himself. There is a PRETTY GIRL in the front row left, and he takes a good look at her, smiles, frowns at her escort. He motions the police to leave him and take their places with the spectators and he then raps vigorously with his gavel for order.

JUDGE Hear! Hear! Court is set! My honor is on de bench. You moufy folks set up! All right, Mr. Whistle-britches, just keep up dat jawing now and see how much time I'll give you!

BOY I wasn't talking, your honor.

JUDGE Well, quit looking so moufy. Call de first case. And I warn each and all dat my honor is in bad humor dis mawnin'. I'd give a canary bird twenty years for peckin' at a elephant. Bring 'em on.

CLERK Cliff Mullins, charged with assault upon his wife with a weapon and disturbing the peace.

CLIFF Aw, at Emma Hayles' house.

JUDGE Oh, yes. Go on.

CLIFF Well, she come down dere and claim I took her money and she claimed I wuz spending it on Emma.

CLIFF'S WIFE And dat's just whut he was doing, too, Judge.

CLIFF AW, she's tellin' a great big ole Georgia lie, Judge. I wasn't spendin' no money of her'n.

JUDGE So, you goes for a sweet-back, do you?

CLIFF Naw suh, Judge. I'd be glad to work if I could find a job.

JUDGE How long you been outa work?

CLIFF Seventeen years--

JUDGE Seventeen years? You been takin' keer of dis man for seventeen years?

WOMAN Naw, but he been so mean to me, it seems lak seventeen years.

JUDGE Now you tell me just where he hurt you.

WOMAN Judge, tell you de truth, I'm hurt all over. Fact is I'm cut.

JUDGE Did you git cut in de fracas?

WOMAN Not in de fracas, Judge--just below it.

JUDGE Stop! Grab him. Put him in de shade.

CLIFF Judge, I'm unguilty! I ain't laid de weight of my hand on her in malice. You got me 'cused of murder and I ain't harmed a child.

BOY Nothin'.

JUDGE Well, whut you doin' in my court, you gater-faced rascal?

BOY My girl wanted to see whut was goin' on, so I brought her in.

BOY I ain't done a thing. I ain't never done nothin'. I'm just as clean as a fish, and he been bathin' all his life.

JUDGE You ain't done nothin', hunh? Well den youse guilty of vacancy. Grab 'im, Simpson, and search 'im--and if he got any concealed weapons, I'm gointer give 'im life-time and eight years mo'. Unh hunh! I knowed it, one of dese skin game jelly-beans. Robbin' hard workin' men out they money.

BOY Judge, I ain't used 'em at all. See, dey's brand new.

JUDGE Well, den youse charged wid totin' concealed cards and attempt to gamble. Ten years at hard labor. Put him in de dark, Simpson, and throw de key away. Don't you worry bout how you gointer git home. You gointer be took home right, 'cause I'm gointer take you myself. Bring on de next one, clerk.

CLERK Jemima Flap-Cakes, charged with illegal possession and sale of alcoholic liquors.

JEMIMA Yes, I sold it and I'll sell it again. How does ole booze-selling mama talk?

JUDGE Yes, five thousand dollars and ten years in jail. How does ole heavy fining papa talk?

CLERK De Otis Blunt, charged wid stealin' a mule.

LAWYER You can't convict this man. I'm here to represent him.

JUDGE Yo' mouf might spout lak a coffee pot but I got a lawyer dat kin beat your segastuatin'. How am I chewin' my dictionary and minglin' my alphabets?

LAWYER Well, I kin try, can't I?

LAWYER Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen--

LAWYER This is a clear case of syllogism! Again I say syllogism. My client is innocent because it was a dark night when they say he stole the mule and that's against all laws of syllogism.

JUDGE Dat ole fool do know somethin' 'bout law.

JUDGE Man, youse a pleadin' fool. You knows yo' rules and by-laws.

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