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Bird in Hand: A Play in One Act: by Laurence Housman

Samuel French: Publisher 28-30 West Thirty-eighth St.: New York Samuel French, Ltd. 26 SOUTHAMPTON STREET, STRAND LONDON PRICE 35 CENTS

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

BIRD IN HAND.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

BIRD IN HAND

MISS TUCKEY. Good-morning, Sir.

PROFESSOR. Oh, very well. Thank you. Any letters? When did these come?

MISS TUCKEY. Most of them last night, sir, after you had gone to bed.

PROFESSOR. Ah! here is one from Miss Elfrida, I see.

MISS TUCKEY. That only came this morning.

PROFESSOR. Wasn't she to be back to-day?

MISS TUCKEY. Yes. They are expecting her quite soon. About twelve, I believe.

MISS TUCKEY. Yes, sir.

PROFESSOR. Take this, then! --"Mr. James Pomeroy." --He writes on good note-paper with a crest; I suppose I must answer him. "Dear Sir"--Oh! while I think of it, make a note that the extra plates for the new edition of "Objective Science" have not come through as advised; and they must not go to press till I have passed them. What have you got?

MISS TUCKEY. "Mr. James Pomeroy, Dear Sir."

MISS TUCKEY. The limits of what?--I beg pardon.

PROFESSOR. "Sen-sory re-ceptivity"--in other words, the receptivity of the senses. "That fact, however, does not provide any legitimate ground for a belief in those magical or supernatural occurrences through which, as I apprehend, you seek to counter-balance the deductions of science. I find no reason to doubt that however much still lies beyond the apprehension of our senses, it must all nevertheless be within the range of a scientific explanation. I am, Sir, yours faithfully"-- Oh, that is from Messrs. Moody & Prose. Just say "received," and have made a note. This is to take the chair at the International Science Conference for the discussion on the "Homology of the Invertebrates." Say I accept the honor and am their obedient servant--That is, no. That is "no"-- That impertinence you need not answer--And now, take this--"Mrs. Daphnephoria Brown--the Seminary, Brunswickville, Connecticut"--"My Dear Madam, Your very flattering proposal to arrange a compendium from my various studies in Objective Science, entitled 'Sufficient unto the Day,' and intended to provide a basis for the accurate biological training of the very young, gives gratifying evidence of the interest you take in and the value which you attach to my literary labors. I am inclined, however, to think that the terminological exactitude so necessary to scientific statement could not be accommodated to the range of the child-mind without a certain damage to the content"--Of course, that means to the scientific content, not to the child's mind. No, no, don't take that! That was only commentary--"Should I, on later consideration, see any possible adjustment of my works to your proposed scheme I shall not fail to communicate with you further in the matter. I am, dear Madam, yours very truly"--That you can destroy, and the address you need not keep. And I think that is all--Oh, will you fetch me the file of Professor Lake Jones' articles on the "Rudiments of Corpuscular Gravity" which appeared in last year's "Science Journal." You will find it in the Press Bureau, I think, under "R." And now for Elfrida. Well, well, well! What is she sending me this botanical specimen for, I wonder? It looks like a leaf of the Hornbean--Carpinus Betulus, if I am not mistaken. Dear me! The child has such a hand-writing that I can't read a word of it. Miss Tuckey, your eyes are better than mine, will you kindly read me this letter?

PROFESSOR. Yes, yes, I read that.

PROFESSOR. Benjy is the dog, I believe.

PROFESSOR. Miss Tuckey, I wish you would not leave that door open! There's a dreadful draught at my back.

MISS TUCKEY. It isn't open sir.

PROFESSOR. Well, there's a draught somewhere--Quite a wind! It seemed to come all of a sudden; and there! it has blown away Miss Elfrida's leaf that was here a moment ago. You had better rearrange that screen. Well, is that all the letter?

MISS TUCKEY. Yes, sir, except she sends her love.

PROFESSOR. Very well. That is all, thank you, for the present. Just draw down those blinds before you go. The light is too strong, it tries my eyes. I should be glad to have that article for Hibbered's copied before post-time.

MISS TUCKEY. Certainly, sir.

PROFESSOR. And when Miss Elfrida comes will you send her up to me?

MISS TUCKEY. Yes, sir.

BIRD-IN-HAND. Quit-a-quit! Quit-a-quit! Quit-a-quit!

PROFESSOR. Really!--these glasses!--How they do strain one's eyes! Dear me, now! This is most extraordinary!--It almost makes me believe my eyes. --Now, let me think, let me think! How many cups of green tea did I have this morning?

BIRD-IN-HAND. Sik-silk-silk-silk-silk-silk-silk!

PROFESSOR. Six, I believe it was!--Did that thing speak?

BIRD-IN-HAND. Chwee-e-weet!

PROFESSOR. But, but this is an hallucination!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Chich-a-wee!

PROFESSOR. An hallucination, I say!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Chich-a-wee!

PROFESSOR. No, no, no!--I must be ill!--Over-work!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Chip-chip-chip-chip-chewee-e-e!

PROFESSOR. What--Am I going out of my senses? Station 1228, please--yes! 1 double 2, 8!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Two-eight! Two-eight!--Eight! eight! eight! eight! eight! eight!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Chip it!--Chip it!

PROFESSOR. Is Doctor Locum--? Oh, Doctor, is that you?--Will you, please, come and see me at once?--Braintree--Professor Braintree. Yes--most urgent--I'm afraid I've, I've--broken down.

BIRD-IN-HAND. What? What? What? What? What?

BIRD-IN-HAND. Sh-sh-sh-wee! Sh-sh--sh-wee!--Oh, why?--Oh, why?--Oh, why?--Spit-it-out! Spit-it-out!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Che-wit!

PROFESSOR. I don't see it and I won't see it! I won't see it!--I--I dismiss it entirely from my mind. It isn't there! That's better!

PROFESSOR. Get out!

BIRD-IN-HAND. Che-wee--che-wee--chewee--chewee--chewee!

PROFESSOR. Shoo! Shoo, get out with you! Scat! But no, no, I mustn't do that! If I do that, I shall end by making myself think it exists. No, I must endeavor to dismiss it from my mind. There! There! Now it's gone.

BIRD-IN-HAND. Peet-a-pipe!--Pick-a-peck--Pick-a-peppa-kum!--E-peet-a-pipe--a pick-a-pick--a-pick-a-pepp a-kum. Wees-a-peck, a pick-a-peppa-kum. Peet-a-pipe-a-pick!

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