Read Ebook: Parodies of the works of English & American authors vol. III by Hamilton Walter Compiler

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Ebook has 1355 lines and 132414 words, and 28 pages

If beauteous, she'll be kindly pitied; If ugly, each good-tooth'd one's butt. So she must get her mouth refitted, Or, what is better--keep it shut!

BEAUTIFUL FOR EVER.

When lovely woman, still a maiden, Finds her locks are turning grey, What art can keep their hue from fading? What balm can intercept delay?

FASHION.

When lovely woman stoops to fashion And finds it like man's fancy change, What can reclaim the truant passion, And capture it no more to range?

The only way to curb love's passion. And charm her fickle lover's eye, To bring the colour to her chignon-- As the old joke says is--to dye.

STANZAS ON WOMAN--BY O. G.

When lovely woman takes to rinking, And finds how hard the asphalte's got, What charm can save her heart from sinking, What art can heal the injured spot?

The only plan she can pursue, To save herself another fall, In fact the only thing to do, In future's not to rink at all.

When she grows old, and charms decay, And crow's-feet come beneath each eye; When skin is wrinkled--hair is grey-- Her only chance is then--to dye!

When foolish man consents to marry, And finds, too late, his wife a shrew, When she her point in all must carry, 'Tis hard to say what's best to do!

In hopes the breeches to recover, To hide his shame from every eye. To be as free as when her lover His only method is--to fly.

A BIT OF GOLDSMITH'S WORK NEW GILT.

When lovely woman once so jolly, Finds, late in life, that hair grows grey, How make her case less melancholy, How hide Time's step that none can stay?

The only way his track to cover, To mask her age from every eye, And if she have a spoon for lover To keep him still "spoons," is--to dye!

ON A BREACH OF PROMISE.

When lovely woman finds that breaches Of promise are her suitor's wear, What is it the black record bleaches, And comforts the deserted fair?

When lovely woman's melancholy Because her husband stays away From home, pursuing some mad folly, .

The only plan to teach him manners, And cure the midnight latchkey hub, Is, dears, to march beneath our banners-- So, ladies, come and join our club.

STANZAS ON WOMAN.

When lovely woman longs to marry, And snatch a victim from the beaux, What charms the soft design will carry? What art will make the men propose?

The only art her schemes to cover, To give her wishes sure success, To gain, to fix a captive lover, And "wring his bosom," is TO DRESS.

ON MR. ODGER.

When stupid Odger stoops to folly, And finds too late that men betray, What thought can make him once more jolly? What hope can drive his spite away?

The only thought his rage to smother Is one we'll hope will turn out true; 'Tis thus he mutters, "You're another; As you've Hughes'd me, they'll use you too."

FASHION.

When foolish woman stoops to fashion, And finds tight-lacing doesn't pay, But turns her grey, and brings a rash on Her nose no powder charms away;

MINT SAUCE FOR LAMB.

When man, less faithful than the colley, Deserts his love and goes astray, What art can make the maiden jolly? What charm can drive her grief away?

The way her grief to overcome is, Instead of lying down to die, To claim three thou for breach of promise, And show her swain the reason why.

WOMAN'S RIGHTS.

When lovely woman's melancholy, And finds she's in a love-sick way, Must she be bound by custom's folly, And never more her love betray?

No! Helen must her heart discover To Modus; but if all in vain, And he should scorn to be her lover, Her sole resource is--try again.

THE OMNIBUS.

If lovely woman seeks to enter The crowded 'bus in which you ride, Have you the heart to discontent her. Or would you rather go outside?

I'm brute enough, I dare to state, Although it may the lady vex, To keep my seat, and let her wait-- I've "bussed" too many of the sex.

When lovely woman pines in folly Because her hair is turning gray, What charm can soothe her melancholy? What art can drive her grief away?

The only art her woe to cover, To hide her age from every eye, To come the gum-game o'er her lover And to make her happy--is to dye!

"When lovely woman stoops to Foli, And lets her son with cudgels play, An action soon brings melancholy, And damages one has to pay."

The two other before-named poems by Goldsmith, which can be traced to a French source, are so similar in style that they may be both given together, followed by the French original:--

AN ELEGY ON THE DEATH OF A MAD DOG.

Good people all of every sort, Give ear unto my song, And if you find it wondrous short, It cannot hold you long.

In Islington there was a man, Of whom the world might say, That still a godly race he ran Whene'er he went to pray.

A kind and gentle heart he had, To comfort friends and foes; The naked every day he clad, When he put on his clothes.

And in that town a dog was found, As many dogs there be, Both mongrel, puppy, whelp, and hound, And curs of low degree.

This dog and man at first were friends; But, when a pique began, The dog, to gain his private ends, Went mad and bit the man.

Around from all the neighbouring streets The wondering neighbours ran, And swore the dog had lost his wits, To bite so good a man.

The wound it seemed both sore and sad To ev'ry Christian eye; And while they swore the dog was mad, They swore the man would die.

But soon a wonder came to light, That shew'd the rogues they ly'd; The man recover'd of the bite, The dog it was that dy'd.

AN ELEGY. On the Glory of her Sex, MRS. MARY BLAIZE.

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