Read Ebook: A popular history of the United States of America Vol. 1 (of 2) by Howitt Mary Mary Botham

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Ebook has 1215 lines and 159169 words, and 25 pages

"That set 'em to work. Next day little boys were scraping the village over like fowls in a farmyard, getting a chip 'ere an' a shaving there, an' making themselves such a nuisance that there was talk of calling the gendarmerie out. They would 'ave done, too, only he'd laid down for a nap an' left strict orders 'e wasn't to be disturbed. Then they slipped into the Camp, trying to lay nefarious 'ands on empty ration boxes, but the Camp police spotted 'em an' chivied them off. I never seen our police so exhausted as they were at the end of that day.

"'I can't think what's taken the little varmints,' said the Provost- Sergeant. 'It ain't the Fifth of November.'

"On the whole it wasn't a good day's 'unting, but this morning I was waited on by a deputation wearing striped jerseys, which they appeared to 'ave put on at early dawn. They said the fire was lit under the copper, 'an could they 'ave the ball?

"Yes, it were lit, but only just. The water was lukewarm an' the fuel 'ad nearly all burned away, an' Madame was standing looking at it hopelessly.

"'Pas bong,' says I to the lads. 'Pas assay chaud. Voo scroungerez ongcore.'

"They was frantic, becos it was nearly match time. I felt inclined to give 'em the ball, but the thought of you, Sir, in a dirty collar--"

"You may keep the pair of old riding-breeches you borrowed without permission," interrupted Percy.

"Thank you, Sir. Then all at once the lads 'ad a confab an' went away, an' in a few minutes they was back with some lovely straight planed props of timber, an' they chopped 'em up in a jiffy 'an got the fire roaring 'ot, an' I gave 'em the ball, an' your collars is done an' the rest of your things is out drying an' will be finished to-morrow."

"Of course I'm grateful," said Percival. "You might tell your young friends I'm willing to be a vice-president of their club--on the usual terms. What's the name of it?"

"They tell me it's called 'The Racing Club,'" said Elfred. "But I think, Sir, you'd better give your subscription to the other club in the village--'The Sportif Club.' You see, Sir, they 'ad a match on to-day as well, an' when they arrived on the ground they found someone 'ad been and scrounged their goal-posts!"

THE ANNIVERSARY.

Having unexpectedly retained possession of my seat in the Tube the other evening I over-read myself and ran past my station, so it was rather late when I reached home.

"Hullo!" I called out cheerily.

"Hullo!" echoed Margaret in a flat sort of voice; "you back?"

I refrained from facetiousness and told her that I was.

"Oh!" she said.

"Well, well, Margaret," I said in a bright and bustling manner, "we haven't got on very well so far, have we? Can't you think of some subject on which we can conduct a conversation in words of more than one syllable? The skilful hostess should so frame her questions that not even the shyest visitor can fall back on a simple Yes or No. Now," I continued, spreading myself luxuriously over the chesterfield, "you know how shy I am. Try to draw me out, dear. I'm waiting."

I lit a cigarette. Margaret looked reproachfully at me.

"What was yesterday?" she said.

"Tuesday, my dear. We will now have a little chat about Tuesday. Coming as it does so soon after Monday, it not unnaturally exhibits--"

"Tuesday the 25th of February," said Margaret solemnly.

"Possibly, my dear, possibly. But I cannot say that I find your remarks very interesting. They may be true, or they may not, but they certainly seem to me to lack that agreeable whimsicality usually so characteristic of you."

"Our wedding-day," said Margaret impressively.

"Was it really?" I said in a whisper. "And you let it pass without reminding me. Oh, how could you?"

Margaret smiled.

"I didn't think of it till this morning--after you had gone," she said.

We both smiled. Then we laughed.

"You know, we really are a dreadful couple." I said. "Your fault is greater than mine, though. I'll tell you why. Everyone knows that a man--especially a manly man--" I tugged my moustache and let my biceps out for a run-- "never remembers anniversaries, whereas a woman--a womanly woman--does." Here I plucked a daffodil from a bowl near by and tucked it coyly behind her ear.

"It really is rather awful of us." Margaret restored the daffodil to its young companions. "We've only been married three years, too, and yet already--" She threw out her arms in a hopeless gesture.

"Still," I said presently, with my hand full of her hand--"still I daresay we shall get used to it in time--forgetting the day, I mean. After about the fourth lapse there will be hardly any sting in our little piece of annual forgetfulness."

"We mustn't forget to remember we've forgotten it, though, Gerald, so that we can test the waning powers of the sting."

"I think," said Margaret, "that we ought to be extra nice to each other now, seeing how short our married life may be. Let's begin at once. You let me tidy your desk every day for you and--"

"Won't twice a week satisfy you?" I asked desperately.

"You are a dear, Margaret. And now I'll tell you something. It was--"

Just then James came in and announced dinner. James is all our staff; but her other name is Keziah, so we had no choice.

As we sat down I took a small box out of my pocket.

"Give this to your mistress, please," I said to James.

"O-o-o. How ripping of you, Gerald! So you did remember, after all."

"As soon as I got to the station this morning," I said, "I remembered that our wedding-day was to-day."

Margaret lifted her eyebrows at me. "To-day?"

"Yes. You are a little behind--or in front of--the times, I'm afraid. The twenty-fifth was a Tuesday last year, but it's trying Wednesday for a change now. Many Happy Returns of the Day, dear."

We both laughed.

"Now let's look at our presents," said Margaret happily.

DORA AT THE PLAY.

Attentive swain, whose lady has commanded you to be at her Disposal as an escort on a visit to the theatre, I give you precious doctrine that is certainly worth sticking to, At least as long as Dora is alive on earth and kicking too.

If you would keep your fair companion satisfied and cheery, some Provision must be made to fill the intervals so wearisome, For many a gallant fellow has discovered with a shock o' late That after 8 P.M. it's still a crime to sell a chocolate.

As for yourself, if you should yearn for blest tobacco's medium In those long waits between the Acts to while away the tedium, And find you're out of cigarettes, remember that to sell any A minute past the fatal hour is counted as a felony.

Unless the pair of you affect the life ascetic, you'll Be well advised to carry in a hamper or a reticule A goodly store of provender, both smokeable and eatable, For Dora's in the saddle yet and seemingly unseatable.

BROODY.

No, we expect it will be left sitting.

"HIDDEN MUMMIES.

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